Spiritual Roller-coaster

Hello there!!!

It has been a loooong time since my last blog. Life kind of got in the way! Anyways, I am reaching the end of my first semester here at New Mexico State University and so far all day I have been thinking about what I've done here. What did i accomplish? How did i change? What did God do through me?

Sadly, I didnt have very good answers to those questions. I woke up today realizing that I didnt do much this semester. I still had a great time but that was when i was in class and working in my labs. Outside of that I didnt really do anything. I never really got involved. I tried a few times but its weird being the "new girl" or the "outsider" im not used to that and it is hard when you dont have someone to go with. Yeah i still had friends from all my classes but the support like I had back home was missing. I pretty much took a break from everything. From who I really am and from God.

Before going away to NMSU I promised myself that i wouldnt be included in the statistic of adults who stray from their faith once they enter college. Sadly I was. Im not saying I was out partying, drinking and doing drugs but I wasnt necessarily living my life for God. I entered the "luke-warm" stage which is right where I promised myself i wouldnt go. I didnt realize how hard it would be once i left the support I had back home. My first year at Chandler-Gilbert Community was easy but coming here was a whole new ball game. No longer did I have my home of Sun Valley to go to every Sunday, the support of a small group or my regular Starbucks dates with my mentors. And me being stupid and prideful thought I could still manage on my own here without getting involved in a Christian group on campus or going to church on Sundays. Yeah, for those who think you can do that, take it from my own crash and burn experience, you cant.

SO this is me being honest and vulnerable.
Like Matthew West says in his song Strong Enough,
"Maybe that's the point,
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally,
Finally at rock bottom Well,
that's when I start looking up
And reaching out."

Im tired of riding my spiritual roller-coaster. One month im on fire for God and the next i dont even know who He is. Im done with that. I dont want to feel empty or lost anymore. Ive hit my rock bottom, i know im not strong enough to do this alone so im reaching out, swallowing my stupid pride and asking for help. (which is one thing i am sooooo not good at. I HATE opening up and asking for help so this is a big step for me) Luckily I have an amazing boyfriend and awesome girl friends who are helping me though this. Holding me accountable and telling me whats up.

now that ive gotten this off my heart, its time to go study for finals!
love you all so much!!
-em

p.s. Please keep me and my spiritual walk in your prayers. Its tough out here, but with your help and me giving up trying to do it alone, I know I can do this!

"Send me a sign
A hint, a whisper
Throw me a line
'Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me to life
'Cause I am fading

Surround me with the rush of angels' wings

Shine Your light so I can see You
Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel love
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?"-Shine by David Crowder Band.<3

Chuck Norris translates in every language-SA June 9th

This post is looooong over due but, im going to finish writing about my trip to South Africa!!! So, here we go!

Thursday June 9th-Kiddos. Kiddos. and more Kiddos!

Early that morning, our team went off to help out at another school. (picture on the left is of some of the classrooms) We split up into groups of about 3 people so we could make sure that we went into each and every classroom. My team was Tara, Juan and I. (we were awesome of course (; haha) We had about 10-15min to spend in each classroom. We sang songs with the kids, danced around, the kids all showed us up. But hey, they loved to watch us try!(; All of the kids were so sweet and loving. When ever we left a classroom to go to another one, they would all start yelling "WE LOVE YOU!" and blowing kisses at us. It was sooooooo hard to leave each classroom. You just wanted to stay there forever and be with those kids. You could just see their faces light up when we started embarrassing ourselves by trying to sing and dance with them. They were loving every minute of it. No one on our team wanted to leave the school that day. While we were walking to our vans the kids swarmed us. Piggy back rides and tickle monsters started breaking out every where you looked! At one point, you couldnt see any of the team members because we were covered with kids!!! lol There was so much happiness and love going on that day. My heart was just bursting! (in a good way) I loved every minute with those kids and for me, being vulnerable and just loving on the kids always intimidates me on mission trips. Im usually the one who stands back and watches but ohhhh no no no, those kids would not have that at all! and i am so thankful for that. God showed me a love that day that one cant explain, you just have to experience it for yourself! Our team didnt want to leave and im pretty sure the kids didnt want us to either!

During lunch, Michelle was telling our team about some aspects of African Culture and not quite sure how he came up but Chuck Norris was talked about. Apparently he is big every where! "Chuck Norris translates in every language"-Michelle (: hahah

VBS that day was awesome as usual!!!! It was so crazy to see how far the kids have come with us. When they first met us, you could tell they were a little hesitant and kept their distance but as the week went on, they were calling us by our names, giving us nick names, high fives, hugs, tickle fights, handing our butts to us in soccer games. We never wanted to leave after VBS. When one of the kids gave you a hug goodbye, you could tell they didnt want you to let them go......

The tickle monster turns into the tickle-ee haha(:










well thats all for this post! hope you liked it(:
peaces!!
-em(:


Quotes for the day:

one from our Africa trip..
"What is curry?"-Linsey
"Like a spice."-Leslie
"Oh, so is this curry?"-Linsey
"no....thats a potato..."-Leslie

thats all i got for now! come back later(:

To the Birthday Girl!!

i tried to post this yesterday but the internet in my room is down and it was too late to go use a school computer. so frustrating!!! been on the phone with tech services for the past 2 days pretty much!!! lame!!!! anyways, now back to the point!

August 16, 1992- the day God gave the world one of the sweetest girls anyone would ever meet; Samantha Rae Newton. I was blessed to have her as not only my best friend, but my sister for 18 wonderful years!! NOt a day goes by that she doesnt cross my mind. I can still picture her beautiful smile, i can hear her funky laugh followed by soe snorting (depending on how hard she was laughing). So many amazing memories i shared with her. Sleepovers and vacations that i will NEVER forget. SO many more memories that i wish i could have and share with her. Sadly that isnt the case, but i know yesterday she was partying it up hard core with Jesus! and with that, i smile. She is no longer in pain, no longer scared; she is happy and smiling down on us right now! So, happy 19th birthday Sam!! I love you and miss you like crazy!! Cant wait for my hug when i get to see you again! LOve you!
-Em

June 8th- Break my heart for what breaks yours..

Sorry this is wayyyyyyyyy past due! life just got a tad bit crazy! I am now blogging from my new home in Silver City, NM. But thats a whole other post! so on to Africa...

Waking up the morning of June 8th, i had no idea what i was in for. This was definitely the most emotional day for most of our team. After breakfast and devotionals, we found out that we would be going to visit a clinic, a cemetery and walk through a village with the care givers to take care of their patients. I thought i was ready for all of that but HECK no i was not!

When we arrived at the clinic, there were people surruonding the building. It was "Mothers Day" meaning that they were seeing mothers and their young children. The clinic was packed. You could hardly move around inside. This one clinic, supported 9 different villages-approximately 51,000 people. They had 1 doctor who was only there for short times and 3 nurses. It was so hard to see. Everyone was starting at our team while we were given a tour of the clinic. I felt terrible. These people are sick and are waiting to be seen while we get a tour of the clinic. I just wanted to get out of there so they could be helped. The clinic was understaffed and under-supplied. We complain for wating 30min or an hour at urgent care while these people waiting since 5am till the end of the day may not even get seen and helped. So frustrating! I have a whole new perspective on many things. One thing that i became more educated on was on medicine. There are all those commercials on tv with Bono and other celebrities saying 20cents a day can buy this pill that will save someones life of what not. Seems simple. But what good do these pills and medicine do if these people have no food or water to take them with?? Yeah does them no good.

After walking through the clinic we passed by the cemetery again. There were way too many unmarked graves there. Some of the children who past away had yet to receive birth certificates so there is no proof that these children ever existed. They just came and went...not acceptable at all. That hit me really hard. I was sick to my stomach with sadness and anger. Why would God let this happen? was all i could think about. I didnt understand. Then, while sitting in the van heading to the village, i remembered the verse in Job. "Gods voice thunders in marvelous ways; He does great things beyond our understanding."-Job 37:5 So i will most likely never understand why God is letting this happen but now that my team and I have been here and experienced this, it is our job to spread the word and make a change. Thank you Jesus for Helping Hands!!

Next was on to the village! We were able to walk around with some of the care givers from Helping Hands. They go out to these villages to take care of their patients who may not be able to make it to the clinic. We walked from one house to the next. Some were made out of tin, some mud and clay. They were all super tiny. So hard to see, makes you really appreciate what you have. We were able to pray with them and for them. One man that we prayed for, when my team and i rested our hands on him, you could feel him kinda of pull away from our touch. Then, as we began to pray, you could feel him relax and kind of give a sigh of relief. He knew we were there to help him. It was such a moving moment. one that i will never forget. While walking from house to house (which were not close to each other) I was able to just talk to God and process everything that i was seeing. I felt like i was doing good and holding myself together. Then, Peter came up to me and asked how i was doing and BOOM! here come the water works. You would think by now that i would realize that holding it in is not the best but no. I was jut overwhelmed with everything. and the thing that was really pressed on my heart was knowing that some of the children buried in that cemetery wont be remembered. In a few years, no one will know who they were and that kills me. I had a very "eye-opening" morning that day.

After all that, we went back to the house for lunch and to kinda regroup and process everything that we were feeling and thinking about. NOw is the time for the church to step it up and do something. DOnt be one who just sits back and does nothing. DO SOMETHING!

Transitioning from the mornings events to VBS with the kiddos was not as hard as i thought it would be. I swear the kids were even more excited to see us that day and they just brought so much joy to our team. God knew what we needed. Definitely the best VBS day by far. Everyone on the team opened up to the kids and the kids opened up to us. There was so much love going on that none of us wanted to leave. Every single person had a smile on their face the entire time. God was helping to mend our teams hearts that were broken from earlier that day. Those kids showed us a love that is just indescribable. The craft that day was making the lil telephones with string and plastic cups. They loved it!!! Then we taught them how to play the game telephone. Oh man, funniest and cutest game of telephone ever!!! SO much fun(:


Well, thats all for now!!! Hopefully i will be able to blog tomorrow!!!
Love you all!
-peaces

-em

Quotes for the day! (i dont have anymore from Africa so here are some random ones!!)

"See, my family enjoys eating weird things. Were like, youre weird so were gonna eat you."-my brother Chris after eatin some chicken fish. haha

"What are those? are they no bake cookies?"-me
"No..i just didnt cook them all the way..."-Chew hahaha

"A bible thats falling apart usually belongs to someone who isnt."-idk who said that but i love it!

"Im not very intimidating, but i can hurt your face."-Andrea hahaha talking to the 5th and 6th graders lol oh man, i love you girl!!!

June 7th- Pioneers

(Sorry this took like forever to update! life has been moving at super speed again!)...

anyways!! Back to Africa...Tuesday June 7-had a rough start to the day. Woke up early after having a very vivid dream about Sam and couldnt fall back to sleep. In my journal i wrote out the whole dream, it was really long but the thing that gets me was i wrote that it was so life like and real and that it was hard to say goodbye to Sam again...since i couldnt fall back to sleep i decided to have my quiet time. During that i was just skimming through my bible and i found this verse, "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you."- Isaiah 41:13 which was perfect because that was just what i needed to hear to start off the day. I had no idea what i was in for....

After breakfast and devotionals, we were taken to another preschool that was located in a village about an hour away. the reason it took forever to get there was because the roads were so bad. When we arrived in the village we met with the head man of the village. Theres the team!!! Then the head man is the big tall guy in the middle lol He was really cool!
After meeting with him, we were then able to go into the village and to the school to meet the lil kiddos. Remember the day before we had gone to a different preschool and the kids loved us, they had so much fun playing with us. Well, this school was waaaaaay different. These children had never seen a white person before in their life. I remember walking into the classroom and there was about like 15 kids. They just stared at us, didnt move a muscle. Then we asked to read them a story so the teacher asked the to go sit down on the floor by us and then all of a sudden all of the children started balling. they all got up and hid behind their teacher. They were terrified of us. It was so hard. When you see a child crying and scared, you want to go to them and hug them, let them know that its going to be ok but we couldnt. You could see the fear in the little childrens eyes. it was heart breaking. All we could d was be patient and just wait for them to come to us. Once the teacher had got them calmed down and back in their seats, Chip saved the day with Mentos! (the kids love candy and thats all we had at the time and it worked!!!!) Yay Chip!!!(: we got them all coloring pages and just sat with them, helped them color. Eventually they all started to warm up to us. Towards the end of our visit, they were smiling, giving us high fives and thumbs up! We could literally see a difference in the kids. No longer was there fear in those beautiful eyes but there was hope and they were happy. It was sooooooo hard but definitely worth it. We were basically pioneers. We made the way for the next team that will be coming to do VBS with them. Cool beans!!!(:

One thing that i really struggled with that day was the feeling that i was more on vacation than on a mission trip. That night it poured. Like non stop hard rain. (not like the lil 5 second rain storms we get here in AZ) And all i could think about was the people in the village, sitting in their tiny tin houses as their floor turned to mud. All the while we were in a nice warm house with hot running water and delicious food. On all the mission trips that i had been on prior to Africa, i was used to living in somewhat uncomfortable conditions. No running water, no hot water, crappy food, bugs, showering in the rain or using a cup of water, going for days without showers, no make up, uncomfortable beds. That was what i was used to and so i really struggled with feeling guilty. But after talking it out with my team, they made me realize that God was stretching me in a whole new way. I was so used to not so nice accommodations that He took me out of my comfort-zone by having me go on a mission trip where the accommodations were amazing. (totally threw me off) Its funny my comfort zone with mission trips was living in uncomfortable situations that when i was provided with amazingly comfortable living situations i was uncomfortable..if that makes any sense lol It made me really appreciate what i have at home. Also, Helping Hands wanted us to have a safe and comfortable place to come home to each day so we could unwind and talk about everything that had gone on throughout the day because most days were very overwhelming so having a safe place was really nice but hard to get used to!

Thats pretty much the big stuff for that day for me at least. June 8th post will be amazing and probably long. A lot of stuff happened on that day so stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!
!
peaces!!
-em

quotes for the day!!!

"Im God's girl, you dont mess with me"-idk who said that but i wrote it down lol

"Anyone can do childrens ministry. You just gotta leave your dignity at the door."-Peter

"You know how there is fun sized candy bars?"-heather
"....yeah."-me
"Well, youre like the hug sized person."-heather lol(:

"Sorry were not all Staffeldt's with iron blood."-Juan

June 6th-bring on them kiddos!!

(Sorry this is a few days late! just been prettyyyyy busy!!!)

Monday June 6th: After breakfast, devotional an gettin ready, we got to meet the Helping Hands staff members that we would be working with. We had tea and coffee with them and were able to just chit chat for a little bit, ask them about their day, their families and that kinda of stuff. Now ill share just a lil bit of who "Helping Hands in Africa" is and what they do.

Helping Hands in Africa started back in 1991. AT that time, the program was mainly a feeding program that was started after Michelle Tessendorf saw a bunch of young kids rummaging through the dump looking for something to eat and drink. Then, Michelle and others who were involved with Helping Hands started to realize that yeah they were feeding these children, but spiritually these kids were still hungry and thirsty. As a result, Helping Hands has now grown into an amazing, life changing organization that not only focuses on physical needs but spiritual needs as well. Helping Hands is restoring the hope in the eyes of the people in the community. They are not just coming in, giving them food and leaving(first of all, the doesnt really fix much) but instead, they invest their time, love, their everything onto the lives of people all over Africa. Their mission statement is, "Helping Hands is dedicated to restoring hope for the future in disadvantaged communities by providing opportunities for individuals in the community to develop skills that will equip them to take responsibility for their own economic, health, educational, social and spiritual upliftment." They are not just putting a band-aid over the problems these people face, they are starting at the roots and helping these villages get to where they can eventually support them selves. I could go on and on about this amazing organization but i will stop here. If you want more information on Helping Hands, the programs that they have going or ways you could help you can go to their website, www.helpinghandsinafrica.org and if you ever take a trip to Africa, which i strongly urge you all to do, go with Helping Hands!!!!! They are fantastic!!!!!!!!!! :D

Now on to the rest of the day! After meeting the staff, we took a tour of Top Village and got to go into one of the classes at the preschool and hang out with the kiddos. SO MUCH FUN!!! We colored with them, played tag outside, they sang and danced for us. we had a blast!!! man do those lil kids have rhythm!!!! they sure showed us up!! haha The lil boy in the picture started bustin some movies in the dance circle we had goin. (Picture takin by the amazing Paul!!! he became our groups photographer for the trip. thanks Paul!!!)

After hanging out at the village, we came back for lunch then Michelle gave us an AIDs presentation, the same one that they give at the schools in South Africa. It was really interesting. I learned a bunch of new things just from a short little presentation. One thing she said that totally opened my eyes was when she talked about the culture in Africa and the its polygamist where here in America its monogamist. If someone came up to you one day and told you that what you are doing is wrong, that monogamy is wrong, that you need to start practicing polygamy, you would probably get pissed off and stick with what you know. right? well for me thats right, id be a lil pissed. But thats exactly what is happening to the people in Africa. You cannot expect them to be happy with that or want to hear what else ya have to say. That approach is doomed to fail. Helping Hands definitely does not use that approach because that will just get ya no where!!

After all that we went to Molelwane for VBS!! We had so much fun with the kiddos! After one day of VBS the kids loved us all! The craft that they made was decorating canvas backpacks with P.R.A.Y written on them. P stands for praise, R for repent, A for ask, and Y for yield. They were to draw a picture for each word. One of the little boys drew the AIDS symbol on his. He was wanting to ask God to heal this land of AIDS. If that doesnt touch your heart then you must not have one. These kids are way too young to have to be worrying about that, but obviously they do! UGH!

It was hard to leave, we all just wanted to stay and play with them. haha One of the girls at the table i was at asked me about the purple bracelet that I had on. It was my "Never Lose Heart" bracelet that was made for my best friend Sam back when she was first diagnosed with cancer. All I told her was that it was in honor of my best friend who had passed away. She smiled, said it was beautiful then went about finishing her craft. Later that day before we had to leave, she asked me about it again. She would hold my hand and just rub her fingers over the letters. Right before we had to leave, she asked me for it. At first, i didnt want to give it up, but then i realized how much this little girl loved it and slipped it onto her wrist. She had the biggest smile i have ever seen! SHe was so excited. I felt good after giving it to her. I was able to share my Sam with Africa that day. As I left, the little girl came running up to me, gave me a huge hug and said, "God bless you." Soooo hard not to cry!!!! lol She wore that bracelet very single day. (: The cutie on the left, look at her wrist(: Love you Sam!!!

Well, thats all i got for that day! Hope ya enjoyed it and it wasnt too long!
much love to you all!
-peaces!
-em


quotes for the day:

"duck...duck...duck...OOPS!"-thei kids version of duck duck goose. so cute!!(:

"whoever invented tea in bags was a genius."-me

"I dont know how to dance....i got to pee now!-heather

"i was so bummed when that place closed....i never went there though..."-heather

"Emilie, you could land an aircraft carrier with that shirt."-peter (i was wearing one of my neon shirts)

South Africa-June 5th let the good times begin!

well real quick before i go on about my amazing trip, today was somewhat of a rough day. Didnt end up going to bed till 5am, my sleep schedule is all messed up!! woke up wide awake at 9am. then pretty much kept on packing up my room the rest of the day. Found a letter that i had written to Sam but i guess i forgot to send it..that was hard to read. I thought about her a lot today. the thought that she is no longer here kills me. just miss her so much! I want to be able to sit down and hang out and tell my best friend all about my Africa trip, but i cant....and just packing up my room was depressing. :/ but now on to the good stuff!

South Africa-Sunday June 5th.
Started our day off by going to church of course! We went to New Life Church for their Sunday morning service. Mike and Michelle Tessendorf, the people who started Helping Hands in Africa pretty much started that church and helped to get it to where it is today which is AMAZING! I had a smile on my face throughout the whole service. I thought we let loose at Sun Valley but man oh man, the people at New Life were movin and grovin! Everyone was so happy and just dancing and really enjoying worship. WHat was cool was that i pretty much knew all the songs they sang and really got to let loose in worship as well. You could definitely feel Gods presence in that building. I have never felt so comfortable in another church before. Everyone was so welcoming and you could just tell they were happy that you where there. They showed that they really cared and wanted to truly invest in the lives of the people in their community. The attitude and atmosphere of New Life was incredible. During worship there was one song that we sang that i felt as if they were singing it just for me. It was just what i needed to hear that day...

"When the oceans rise
and the thunder roars,
I will soar with you above the storm.
Father you are King over this flood,
I will be still and know you are God."

With all the crazyness and heartache and just dumb stuff going on in my life lately, i have felt like i was in a never ending "storm" just swirling around getting lost in the waves but hearing the people in the church sing that, i totally felt as if they were just singing it to me, God was telling me that it will be ok, He is there. idk how to explain it besides just being one of those "God Moments" it was amazing!!

After church we went on a short game drive and saw some pretty sweet animals!! Mainly rhinos. they were sooo cool!!

After the game drive and eating and all that important stayin healthy stuff, we went to Molelwane, the village that we would be doing VBS at, met the pastor and then he took us on a tour of the village. At first there were a few kids walking along the dirt paths just a few yards from us and then all of a sudden there are about 20 kids running along side us, holding our hands and walking with us. we didnt know them and they didnt know us but they didnt care. if you just smiled at them, BAM they were glued to your hip and you just had a best friend. Those kids just longed for love and affection. Never underestimate the power of a smile. To those kids, that means the world to them! While we were walking and just hanging out with the kids, the little girl that was holding my hand looked up at me, smiled and said "youre beautiful." Now when a guy says that to you its like, "awww shucks. youre so sweet!" but when a little girl who is now an orphan due to HIV/Aids says it you you, it just melts your heart and you want to take her home with you! She left me speechless. All i could do was smile and hug her to keep myself from crying!! haha While walking through the village, i noticed that if you looked in the dirt, you would find more bare footprints in the dirt than shoe prints. That hit me hard. I knew that we were going into a poor village, but just the fact that these children are walking around barefoot during the winter time when there is glass and trash all over the place was hard to see in real life. I knew it was happening, but it was just hard to see. Makes you want to take your own shoes and socks off and put them on the kids feet! The first picture of the building is of the church that we held VBS in for the kiddos. the next picture is just one of the tin shacks that are scattered around the village and then the last picture is just a group of the boys who waled around the village with us. SUch beautiful kids!!! they LOVED getting their pictures taken(: once they saw you had a camera BAM they would strike a pose of grab the kids next to them and ask you to take a picture. The last picture is Will showin the kiddos their pictures. They were so stinkin cute! i miss them soooo much!

one thing that i struggled with that day was being intimidated by the kids. yes i know, dumb. but i was just so worried that i would do or say the wrong thing or that i would scare them or something. I was just nervous i guess. but its hard to mess up with them. As long as you have a face to smile with, arms to hug them with, hands for them to hold and a heart to love them with, youre good to go!!! That night i found a verse that helped me out a TON!! 2 Timothy 1:7 it says, "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline." I LOVE this verse! It reminded me to not be afraid or nervous when working with the kids, Gods in control! Gotta share this part that i wrote in my journal that night after reading tha verse, it just makes me laugh. no joke this is what i wrote..."dont fear because God is with you and He has given you a "Spirit of POWER" to go and kick some satan-ass!" hahaha sorry for the language but that just made me chuckle. well i think that pretty much wraps up that day!! so thats all for now! (:

peaces!
-em

quotes for that day:

"you are such a pushover. if someone takes your pie, you fight for it! dude, if someone took my pie they would have a fork in their eye."-peter
"DONT TAKE PETER'S FOOD!!!"-Will (yelling from inside the bathroom lol)

"Did you know we swallow 500 spiders a day?''-Kaylee
"No, thats like in your life time and its like 50."-Sarah