Hello there!!!
It has been a loooong time since my last blog. Life kind of got in the way! Anyways, I am reaching the end of my first semester here at New Mexico State University and so far all day I have been thinking about what I've done here. What did i accomplish? How did i change? What did God do through me?
Sadly, I didnt have very good answers to those questions. I woke up today realizing that I didnt do much this semester. I still had a great time but that was when i was in class and working in my labs. Outside of that I didnt really do anything. I never really got involved. I tried a few times but its weird being the "new girl" or the "outsider" im not used to that and it is hard when you dont have someone to go with. Yeah i still had friends from all my classes but the support like I had back home was missing. I pretty much took a break from everything. From who I really am and from God.
Before going away to NMSU I promised myself that i wouldnt be included in the statistic of adults who stray from their faith once they enter college. Sadly I was. Im not saying I was out partying, drinking and doing drugs but I wasnt necessarily living my life for God. I entered the "luke-warm" stage which is right where I promised myself i wouldnt go. I didnt realize how hard it would be once i left the support I had back home. My first year at Chandler-Gilbert Community was easy but coming here was a whole new ball game. No longer did I have my home of Sun Valley to go to every Sunday, the support of a small group or my regular Starbucks dates with my mentors. And me being stupid and prideful thought I could still manage on my own here without getting involved in a Christian group on campus or going to church on Sundays. Yeah, for those who think you can do that, take it from my own crash and burn experience, you cant.
SO this is me being honest and vulnerable.
Like Matthew West says in his song Strong Enough,
"Maybe that's the point,
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally,
Finally at rock bottom Well,
that's when I start looking up
And reaching out."
Im tired of riding my spiritual roller-coaster. One month im on fire for God and the next i dont even know who He is. Im done with that. I dont want to feel empty or lost anymore. Ive hit my rock bottom, i know im not strong enough to do this alone so im reaching out, swallowing my stupid pride and asking for help. (which is one thing i am sooooo not good at. I HATE opening up and asking for help so this is a big step for me) Luckily I have an amazing boyfriend and awesome girl friends who are helping me though this. Holding me accountable and telling me whats up.
now that ive gotten this off my heart, its time to go study for finals!
love you all so much!!
-em
p.s. Please keep me and my spiritual walk in your prayers. Its tough out here, but with your help and me giving up trying to do it alone, I know I can do this!
"Send me a sign
A hint, a whisper
Throw me a line
'Cause I am listening
Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me to life
'Cause I am fading
Surround me with the rush of angels' wings
Shine Your light so I can see You
Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel love
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?"-Shine by David Crowder Band.<3
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Chuck Norris translates in every language-SA June 9th
This post is looooong over due but, im going to finish writing about my trip to South Africa!!! So, here we go!
Thursday June 9th-Kiddos. Kiddos. and more Kiddos!
Early that morning, our team went off to help out at another school. (picture on the left is of some of the classrooms) We split up into groups of about 3 people so we could make sure that we went into each and every classroom. My team was Tara, Juan and I. (we were awesome of course (; haha) We had about 10-15min to spend in each classroom. We sang songs with the kids, danced around, the kids all showed us up. But hey, they loved to watch us try!(; All of the kids were so sweet and loving. When ever we left a classroom to go to another one, they would all start yelling "WE LOVE YOU!" and blowing kisses at us. It was sooooooo hard to leave each classroom. You just wanted to stay there forever and be with those kids. You could just see their faces light up when we started embarrassing ourselves by trying to sing and dance with them. They were loving every minute of it. 
No one on our team wanted to leave the school that day. While we were walking to our vans the kids swarmed us. Piggy back rides and tickle monsters started breaking out every where you looked! At one point, you couldnt see any of the team members because we were covered with kids!!! lol There was so much happiness and love going on that day. My heart was just bursting! (in a good way) I loved every minute with those kids and for me, being vulnerable and just loving on the kids always intimidates me on mission trips. Im usually the one who stands back and watches but ohhhh no no no, those kids would not have that at all! and i am so thankful for that. God showed me a love that day that one cant explain, you just have to experience it for yourself!
Our team didnt want to leave and im pretty sure the kids didnt want us to either!
During lunch, Michelle was telling our team about some aspects of African Culture and not quite sure how he came up but Chuck Norris was talked about. Apparently he is big every where! "Chuck Norris translates in every language"-Michelle (: hahah
well thats all for this post! hope you liked it(:
peaces!!
-em(:
Quotes for the day:
one from our Africa trip..
"What is curry?"-Linsey
"Like a spice."-Leslie
"Oh, so is this curry?"-Linsey
"no....thats a potato..."-Leslie
thats all i got for now! come back later(:
No one on our team wanted to leave the school that day. While we were walking to our vans the kids swarmed us. Piggy back rides and tickle monsters started breaking out every where you looked! At one point, you couldnt see any of the team members because we were covered with kids!!! lol There was so much happiness and love going on that day. My heart was just bursting! (in a good way) I loved every minute with those kids and for me, being vulnerable and just loving on the kids always intimidates me on mission trips. Im usually the one who stands back and watches but ohhhh no no no, those kids would not have that at all! and i am so thankful for that. God showed me a love that day that one cant explain, you just have to experience it for yourself!
Our team didnt want to leave and im pretty sure the kids didnt want us to either!During lunch, Michelle was telling our team about some aspects of African Culture and not quite sure how he came up but Chuck Norris was talked about. Apparently he is big every where! "Chuck Norris translates in every language"-Michelle (: hahah
VBS that day was awesome as usual!!!! It was so crazy to see how far the kids have come with us. When they first met us, you could tell they were a little hesitant and kept their distance but as the week went on, they were calling us by our names, giving us nick names, high fives, hugs, tickle fights, handing our butts to us in soccer games. We never wanted to leave after VBS. When one of the kids gave you a hug goodbye, you could tell they didnt want you to let them go......
The tickle monster turns into the tickle-ee haha(:
well thats all for this post! hope you liked it(:
peaces!!
-em(:
Quotes for the day:
one from our Africa trip..
"What is curry?"-Linsey
"Like a spice."-Leslie
"Oh, so is this curry?"-Linsey
"no....thats a potato..."-Leslie
thats all i got for now! come back later(:
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
To the Birthday Girl!!
i tried to post this yesterday but the internet in my room is down and it was too late to go use a school computer. so frustrating!!! been on the phone with tech services for the past 2 days pretty much!!! lame!!!! anyways, now back to the point!
August 16, 1992- the day God gave the world one of the sweetest girls anyone would ever meet; Samantha Rae Newton. I was blessed to have her as not only my best friend, but my sister for 18 wonderful years!! NOt a day goes by that she doesnt cross my mind. I can still picture her beautiful smile, i can hear her funky laugh followed by soe snorting (depending on how hard she was laughing). So many amazing memories i shared with her. Sleepovers and vacations that i will NEVER forget. SO many more memories that i wish i could have and share with her. Sadly that isnt the case, but i know yesterday she was partying it up hard core with Jesus! and with that, i smile. She is no longer in pain, no longer scared; she is happy and smiling down on us right now! So, happy 19th birthday Sam!! I love you and miss you like crazy!! Cant wait for my hug when i get to see you again! LOve you!
-Em
Friday, August 5, 2011
June 8th- Break my heart for what breaks yours..
Sorry this is wayyyyyyyyy past due! life just got a tad bit crazy! I am now blogging from my new home in Silver City, NM. But thats a whole other post! so on to Africa...
Waking up the morning of June 8th, i had no idea what i was in for. This was definitely the most emotional day for most of our team. After breakfast and devotionals, we found out that we would be going to visit a clinic, a cemetery and walk through a village with the care givers to take care of their patients. I thought i was ready for all of that but HECK no i was not!
When we arrived at the clinic, there were people surruonding the building. It was "Mothers Day" meaning that they were seeing mothers and their young children. The clinic was packed. You could hardly move around inside. This one clinic, supported 9 different villages-approximately 51,000 people. They had 1 doctor who was only there for short times and 3 nurses. It was so hard to see. Everyone was starting at our team while we were given a tour of the clinic. I felt terrible. These people are sick and are waiting to be seen while we get a tour of the clinic. I just wanted to get out of there so they could be helped. The clinic was understaffed and under-supplied. We complain for wating 30min or an hour at urgent care while these people waiting since 5am till the end of the day may not even get seen and helped. So frustrating! I have a whole new perspective on many things. One thing that i became more educated on was on medicine. There are all those commercials on tv with Bono and other celebrities saying 20cents a day can buy this pill that will save someones life of what not. Seems simple. But what good do these pills and medicine do if these people have no food or water to take them with?? Yeah does them no good.
After walking through the clinic we passed by the cemetery again. There were way too many unmarked graves there. Some of the children who past away had yet to receive birth certificates so there is no proof that these children ever existed. They just came and went...not acceptable at all. That hit me really hard. I was sick to my stomach with sadness and anger. Why would God let this happen? was all i could think about. I didnt understand. Then, while sitting in the van heading to the village, i remembered the verse in Job. "Gods voice thunders in marvelous ways; He does great things beyond our understanding."-Job 37:5 So i will most likely never understand why God is letting this happen but now that my team and I have been here and experienced this, it is our job to spread the word and make a change. Thank you Jesus for Helping Hands!!
Next was on to the village! We were able to walk around with some of the care givers from Helping Hands. They go out to these villages to take care of their patients who may not be able to make it to the clinic. We walked from one house to the next. Some were made out of tin, some mud and clay. They were all super tiny. So hard to see, makes you really appreciate what you have. We were able to pray with them and for them. One man that we prayed for, when my team and i rested our hands on him, you could feel him kinda of pull away from our touch. Then, as we began to pray, you could feel him relax and kind of give a sigh of relief. He knew we were there to help him. It was such a moving moment. one that i will never forget. While walking from house to house (which were not close to each other)
I was able to just talk to God and process everything that i was seeing. I felt like i was doing good and holding myself together. Then, Peter came up to me and asked how i was doing and BOOM! here come the water works. You would think by now that i would realize that holding it in is not the best but no. I was jut overwhelmed with everything. and the thing that was really pressed on my heart was knowing that some of the children buried in that cemetery wont be remembered. In a few years, no one will know who they were and that kills me. I had a very "eye-opening" morning that day.
After all that, we went back to the house for lunch and to kinda regroup and process everything that we were feeling and thinking about. NOw is the time for the church to step it up and do something. DOnt be one who just sits back and does nothing. DO SOMETHING!
Transitioning from the mornings events to VBS with the kiddos was not as hard as i thought it would be. I swear the kids were even more excited to see us that day and they just brought so much joy to our team. God knew what we needed. Definitely the best VBS day by far. 
Everyone on the team opened up to the kids and the kids opened up to us. There was so much love going on that none of us wanted to leave. Every single person had a smile on their face the entire time. God was helping to mend our teams hearts that were broken from earlier that day. Those kids showed us a love that is just indescribable. The craft that day was making the lil telephones with string and plastic cups. They loved it!!! Then we taught them how to play the game telephone. Oh man, funniest and cutest game of telephone ever!!! SO much fun(:
Well, thats all for now!!! Hopefully i will be able to blog tomorrow!!!
Love you all!
-peaces
-em
Quotes for the day! (i dont have anymore from Africa so here are some random ones!!)
"See, my family enjoys eating weird things. Were like, youre weird so were gonna eat you."-my brother Chris after eatin some chicken fish. haha
"What are those? are they no bake cookies?"-me
"No..i just didnt cook them all the way..."-Chew hahaha
"A bible thats falling apart usually belongs to someone who isnt."-idk who said that but i love it!
"Im not very intimidating, but i can hurt your face."-Andrea hahaha talking to the 5th and 6th graders lol oh man, i love you girl!!!
Waking up the morning of June 8th, i had no idea what i was in for. This was definitely the most emotional day for most of our team. After breakfast and devotionals, we found out that we would be going to visit a clinic, a cemetery and walk through a village with the care givers to take care of their patients. I thought i was ready for all of that but HECK no i was not!
When we arrived at the clinic, there were people surruonding the building. It was "Mothers Day" meaning that they were seeing mothers and their young children. The clinic was packed. You could hardly move around inside. This one clinic, supported 9 different villages-approximately 51,000 people. They had 1 doctor who was only there for short times and 3 nurses. It was so hard to see. Everyone was starting at our team while we were given a tour of the clinic. I felt terrible. These people are sick and are waiting to be seen while we get a tour of the clinic. I just wanted to get out of there so they could be helped. The clinic was understaffed and under-supplied. We complain for wating 30min or an hour at urgent care while these people waiting since 5am till the end of the day may not even get seen and helped. So frustrating! I have a whole new perspective on many things. One thing that i became more educated on was on medicine. There are all those commercials on tv with Bono and other celebrities saying 20cents a day can buy this pill that will save someones life of what not. Seems simple. But what good do these pills and medicine do if these people have no food or water to take them with?? Yeah does them no good.
After walking through the clinic we passed by the cemetery again. There were way too many unmarked graves there. Some of the children who past away had yet to receive birth certificates so there is no proof that these children ever existed. They just came and went...not acceptable at all. That hit me really hard. I was sick to my stomach with sadness and anger. Why would God let this happen? was all i could think about. I didnt understand. Then, while sitting in the van heading to the village, i remembered the verse in Job. "Gods voice thunders in marvelous ways; He does great things beyond our understanding."-Job 37:5 So i will most likely never understand why God is letting this happen but now that my team and I have been here and experienced this, it is our job to spread the word and make a change. Thank you Jesus for Helping Hands!!
Next was on to the village! We were able to walk around with some of the care givers from Helping Hands. They go out to these villages to take care of their patients who may not be able to make it to the clinic. We walked from one house to the next. Some were made out of tin, some mud and clay. They were all super tiny. So hard to see, makes you really appreciate what you have. We were able to pray with them and for them. One man that we prayed for, when my team and i rested our hands on him, you could feel him kinda of pull away from our touch. Then, as we began to pray, you could feel him relax and kind of give a sigh of relief. He knew we were there to help him. It was such a moving moment. one that i will never forget. While walking from house to house (which were not close to each other)
I was able to just talk to God and process everything that i was seeing. I felt like i was doing good and holding myself together. Then, Peter came up to me and asked how i was doing and BOOM! here come the water works. You would think by now that i would realize that holding it in is not the best but no. I was jut overwhelmed with everything. and the thing that was really pressed on my heart was knowing that some of the children buried in that cemetery wont be remembered. In a few years, no one will know who they were and that kills me. I had a very "eye-opening" morning that day.After all that, we went back to the house for lunch and to kinda regroup and process everything that we were feeling and thinking about. NOw is the time for the church to step it up and do something. DOnt be one who just sits back and does nothing. DO SOMETHING!
Transitioning from the mornings events to VBS with the kiddos was not as hard as i thought it would be. I swear the kids were even more excited to see us that day and they just brought so much joy to our team. God knew what we needed. Definitely the best VBS day by far. 
Everyone on the team opened up to the kids and the kids opened up to us. There was so much love going on that none of us wanted to leave. Every single person had a smile on their face the entire time. God was helping to mend our teams hearts that were broken from earlier that day. Those kids showed us a love that is just indescribable. The craft that day was making the lil telephones with string and plastic cups. They loved it!!! Then we taught them how to play the game telephone. Oh man, funniest and cutest game of telephone ever!!! SO much fun(:Well, thats all for now!!! Hopefully i will be able to blog tomorrow!!!
Love you all!
-peaces
-em
Quotes for the day! (i dont have anymore from Africa so here are some random ones!!)
"See, my family enjoys eating weird things. Were like, youre weird so were gonna eat you."-my brother Chris after eatin some chicken fish. haha
"What are those? are they no bake cookies?"-me
"No..i just didnt cook them all the way..."-Chew hahaha
"A bible thats falling apart usually belongs to someone who isnt."-idk who said that but i love it!
"Im not very intimidating, but i can hurt your face."-Andrea hahaha talking to the 5th and 6th graders lol oh man, i love you girl!!!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
June 7th- Pioneers
(Sorry this took like forever to update! life has been moving at super speed again!)...
anyways!! Back to Africa...Tuesday June 7-had a rough start to the day. Woke up early after having a very vivid dream about Sam and couldnt fall back to sleep. In my journal i wrote out the whole dream, it was really long but the thing that gets me was i wrote that it was so life like and real and that it was hard to say goodbye to Sam again...since i couldnt fall back to sleep i decided to have my quiet time. During that i was just skimming through my bible and i found this verse, "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you."- Isaiah 41:13 which was perfect because that was just what i needed to hear to start off the day. I had no idea what i was in for....
After breakfast and devotionals, we were taken to another preschool that was located in a village about an hour away. the reason it took forever to get there was because the roads were so bad. When we arrived in the village we met with the head man of the village.
Theres the team!!! Then the head man is the big tall guy in the middle lol He was really cool!
After meeting with him, we were then able to go into the village and to the school to meet the lil kiddos. Remember the day before we had gone to a different preschool and the kids loved us, they had so much fun playing with us. Well, this school was waaaaaay different. These children had never seen a white person before in their life. I remember walking into the classroom and there was about like 15 kids. They just stared at us, didnt move a muscle. Then we asked to read them a story so the teacher asked the to go sit down on the floor by us and then all of a sudden all of the children started balling. they all got up and hid behind their teacher. They were terrified of us. It was so hard. When you see a child crying and scared, you want to go to them and hug them, let them know that its going to be ok but we couldnt. You could see the fear in the little childrens eyes. it was heart breaking. All we could d was be patient and just wait for them to come to us. Once the teacher had got them calmed down and back in their seats, Chip saved the day with Mentos! (the kids love candy and thats all we had at the time and it worked!!!!)
Yay Chip!!!(: we got them all coloring pages and just sat with them, helped them color. Eventually they all started to warm up to us. Towards the end of our visit, they were smiling, giving us high fives and thumbs up! We could literally see a difference in the kids. No longer was there fear in those beautiful eyes but there was hope and they were happy. It was sooooooo hard but definitely worth it. We were basically pioneers. We made the way for the next team that will be coming to do VBS with them. Cool beans!!!(:
One thing that i really struggled with that day was the feeling that i was more on vacation than on a mission trip. That night it poured. Like non stop hard rain. (not like the lil 5 second rain storms we get here in AZ) And all i could think about was the people in the village, sitting in their tiny tin houses as their floor turned to mud. All the while we were in a nice warm house with hot running water and delicious food. On all the mission trips that i had been on prior to Africa, i was used to living in somewhat uncomfortable conditions. No running water, no hot water, crappy food, bugs, showering in the rain or using a cup of water, going for days without showers, no make up, uncomfortable beds. That was what i was used to and so i really struggled with feeling guilty. But after talking it out with my team, they made me realize that God was stretching me in a whole new way. I was so used to not so nice accommodations that He took me out of my comfort-zone by having me go on a mission trip where the accommodations were amazing. (totally threw me off) Its funny my comfort zone with mission trips was living in uncomfortable situations that when i was provided with amazingly comfortable living situations i was uncomfortable..if that makes any sense lol It made me really appreciate what i have at home. Also, Helping Hands wanted us to have a safe and comfortable place to come home to each day so we could unwind and talk about everything that had gone on throughout the day because most days were very overwhelming so having a safe place was really nice but hard to get used to!
Thats pretty much the big stuff for that day for me at least. June 8th post will be amazing and probably long. A lot of stuff happened on that day so stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!
!
peaces!!
-em
quotes for the day!!!
"Im God's girl, you dont mess with me"-idk who said that but i wrote it down lol
"Anyone can do childrens ministry. You just gotta leave your dignity at the door."-Peter
"You know how there is fun sized candy bars?"-heather
"....yeah."-me
"Well, youre like the hug sized person."-heather lol(:
"Sorry were not all Staffeldt's with iron blood."-Juan
anyways!! Back to Africa...Tuesday June 7-had a rough start to the day. Woke up early after having a very vivid dream about Sam and couldnt fall back to sleep. In my journal i wrote out the whole dream, it was really long but the thing that gets me was i wrote that it was so life like and real and that it was hard to say goodbye to Sam again...since i couldnt fall back to sleep i decided to have my quiet time. During that i was just skimming through my bible and i found this verse, "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you."- Isaiah 41:13 which was perfect because that was just what i needed to hear to start off the day. I had no idea what i was in for....
After breakfast and devotionals, we were taken to another preschool that was located in a village about an hour away. the reason it took forever to get there was because the roads were so bad. When we arrived in the village we met with the head man of the village.
Theres the team!!! Then the head man is the big tall guy in the middle lol He was really cool!After meeting with him, we were then able to go into the village and to the school to meet the lil kiddos. Remember the day before we had gone to a different preschool and the kids loved us, they had so much fun playing with us. Well, this school was waaaaaay different. These children had never seen a white person before in their life. I remember walking into the classroom and there was about like 15 kids. They just stared at us, didnt move a muscle. Then we asked to read them a story so the teacher asked the to go sit down on the floor by us and then all of a sudden all of the children started balling. they all got up and hid behind their teacher. They were terrified of us. It was so hard. When you see a child crying and scared, you want to go to them and hug them, let them know that its going to be ok but we couldnt. You could see the fear in the little childrens eyes. it was heart breaking. All we could d was be patient and just wait for them to come to us. Once the teacher had got them calmed down and back in their seats, Chip saved the day with Mentos! (the kids love candy and thats all we had at the time and it worked!!!!)
Yay Chip!!!(: we got them all coloring pages and just sat with them, helped them color. Eventually they all started to warm up to us. Towards the end of our visit, they were smiling, giving us high fives and thumbs up! We could literally see a difference in the kids. No longer was there fear in those beautiful eyes but there was hope and they were happy. It was sooooooo hard but definitely worth it. We were basically pioneers. We made the way for the next team that will be coming to do VBS with them. Cool beans!!!(:One thing that i really struggled with that day was the feeling that i was more on vacation than on a mission trip. That night it poured. Like non stop hard rain. (not like the lil 5 second rain storms we get here in AZ) And all i could think about was the people in the village, sitting in their tiny tin houses as their floor turned to mud. All the while we were in a nice warm house with hot running water and delicious food. On all the mission trips that i had been on prior to Africa, i was used to living in somewhat uncomfortable conditions. No running water, no hot water, crappy food, bugs, showering in the rain or using a cup of water, going for days without showers, no make up, uncomfortable beds. That was what i was used to and so i really struggled with feeling guilty. But after talking it out with my team, they made me realize that God was stretching me in a whole new way. I was so used to not so nice accommodations that He took me out of my comfort-zone by having me go on a mission trip where the accommodations were amazing. (totally threw me off) Its funny my comfort zone with mission trips was living in uncomfortable situations that when i was provided with amazingly comfortable living situations i was uncomfortable..if that makes any sense lol It made me really appreciate what i have at home. Also, Helping Hands wanted us to have a safe and comfortable place to come home to each day so we could unwind and talk about everything that had gone on throughout the day because most days were very overwhelming so having a safe place was really nice but hard to get used to!
Thats pretty much the big stuff for that day for me at least. June 8th post will be amazing and probably long. A lot of stuff happened on that day so stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!
!
peaces!!
-em
quotes for the day!!!
"Im God's girl, you dont mess with me"-idk who said that but i wrote it down lol
"Anyone can do childrens ministry. You just gotta leave your dignity at the door."-Peter
"You know how there is fun sized candy bars?"-heather
"....yeah."-me
"Well, youre like the hug sized person."-heather lol(:
"Sorry were not all Staffeldt's with iron blood."-Juan
Friday, June 17, 2011
June 6th-bring on them kiddos!!
(Sorry this is a few days late! just been prettyyyyy busy!!!)
Monday June 6th: After breakfast, devotional an gettin ready, we got to meet the Helping Hands staff members that we would be working with. We had tea and coffee with them and were able to just chit chat for a little bit, ask them about their day, their families and that kinda of stuff. Now ill share just a lil bit of who "Helping Hands in Africa" is and what they do.
Helping Hands in Africa started back in 1991. AT that time, the program was mainly a feeding program that was started after Michelle Tessendorf saw a bunch of young kids rummaging through the dump looking for something to eat and drink. Then, Michelle and others who were involved with Helping Hands started to realize that yeah they were feeding these children, but spiritually these kids were still hungry and thirsty. As a result, Helping Hands has now grown into an amazing, life changing organization that not only focuses on physical needs but spiritual needs as well. Helping Hands is restoring the hope in the eyes of the people in the community. They are not just coming in, giving them food and leaving(first of all, the doesnt really fix much) but instead, they invest their time, love, their everything onto the lives of people all over Africa. Their mission statement is, "Helping Hands is dedicated to restoring hope for the future in disadvantaged communities by providing opportunities for individuals in the community to develop skills that will equip them to take responsibility for their own economic, health, educational, social and spiritual upliftment." They are not just putting a band-aid over the problems these people face, they are starting at the roots and helping these villages get to where they can eventually support them selves. I could go on and on about this amazing organization but i will stop here. If you want more information on Helping Hands, the programs that they have going or ways you could help you can go to their website, www.helpinghandsinafrica.org and if you ever take a trip to Africa, which i strongly urge you all to do, go with Helping Hands!!!!! They are fantastic!!!!!!!!!! :D
Now on to the rest of the day! After meeting the staff, we took a tour of Top Village and got to go into one of the classes at the preschool and hang out with the kiddos. SO MUCH FUN!!! We colored with them, played tag outside, they sang and danced for us. we had a blast!!! man do those lil kids have rhythm!!!! they sure showed us up!! haha The lil boy in the picture started bustin some movies in the dance circle we had goin. (Picture takin by the amazing Paul!!! he became our groups photographer for the trip. thanks Paul!!!)After hanging out at the village, we came back for lunch then Michelle gave us an AIDs presentation, the same one that they give at the schools in South Africa. It was really interesting. I learned a bunch of new things just from a short little presentation. One thing she said that totally opened my eyes was when she talked about the culture in Africa and the its polygamist where here in America its monogamist. If someone came up to you one day and told you that what you are doing is wrong, that monogamy is wrong, that you need to start practicing polygamy, you would probably get pissed off and stick with what you know. right? well for me thats right, id be a lil pissed. But thats exactly what is happening to the people in Africa. You cannot expect them to be happy with that or want to hear what else ya have to say. That approach is doomed to fail. Helping Hands definitely does not use that approach because that will just get ya no where!!
After all that we went to Molelwane for VBS!! We had so much fun with the kiddos! After one day of VBS the kids loved us all! The craft that they made was decorating canvas backpacks with P.R.A.Y written on them. P stands for praise, R for repent, A for ask, and Y for yield. They were to draw a picture for each word. One of the little boys drew the AIDS symbol on his. He was wanting to ask God to heal this land of AIDS. If that doesnt touch your heart then you must not have one. These kids are way too young to have to be worrying about that, but obviously they do! UGH!
It was hard to leave, we all just wanted to stay and play with them. haha One of the girls at the table i was at asked me about the purple bracelet that I had on. It was my "Never Lose Heart" bracelet that was made for my best friend Sam back when she was first diagnosed with cancer. All I told her was that it was in honor of my best friend who had passed away. She smiled, said it was beautiful then went about finishing her craft. Later that day before we had to leave, she asked me about it again. She would hold my hand and just rub her fingers over the letters. Right before we had to leave, she asked me for it. At first, i didnt want to give it up, but then i realized how much this little girl loved it and slipped it onto her wrist. She had the biggest smile i have ever seen! SHe was so excited. I felt good after giving it to her. I was able to share my Sam with Africa that day. As I left, the little girl came running up to me, gave me a huge hug and said, "God bless you." Soooo hard not to cry!!!! lol She wore that bracelet very single day. (: The cutie on the left, look at her wrist(: Love you Sam!!!
Well, thats all i got for that day! Hope ya enjoyed it and it wasnt too long!
much love to you all!
-peaces!
-em
quotes for the day:
"duck...duck...duck...OOPS!"-thei kids version of duck duck goose. so cute!!(:
"whoever invented tea in bags was a genius."-me
"I dont know how to dance....i got to pee now!-heather
"i was so bummed when that place closed....i never went there though..."-heather
"Emilie, you could land an aircraft carrier with that shirt."-peter (i was wearing one of my neon shirts)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
South Africa-June 5th let the good times begin!
well real quick before i go on about my amazing trip, today was somewhat of a rough day. Didnt end up going to bed till 5am, my sleep schedule is all messed up!! woke up wide awake at 9am. then pretty much kept on packing up my room the rest of the day. Found a letter that i had written to Sam but i guess i forgot to send it..that was hard to read. I thought about her a lot today. the thought that she is no longer here kills me. just miss her so much! I want to be able to sit down and hang out and tell my best friend all about my Africa trip, but i cant....and just packing up my room was depressing. :/ but now on to the good stuff!
South Africa-Sunday June 5th.
Started our day off by going to church of course! We went to New Life Church for their Sunday morning service. Mike and Michelle Tessendorf, the people who started Helping Hands in Africa pretty much started that church and helped to get it to where it is today which is AMAZING! I had a smile on my face throughout the whole service. I thought we let loose at Sun Valley but man oh man, the people at New Life were movin and grovin! Everyone was so happy and just dancing and really enjoying worship. WHat was cool was that i pretty much knew all the songs they sang and really got to let loose in worship as well. You could definitely feel Gods presence in that building. I have never felt so comfortable in another church before. Everyone was so welcoming and you could just tell they were happy that you where there. They showed that they really cared and wanted to truly invest in the lives of the people in their community. The attitude and atmosphere of New Life was incredible. During worship there was one song that we sang that i felt as if they were singing it just for me. It was just what i needed to hear that day...
South Africa-Sunday June 5th.
Started our day off by going to church of course! We went to New Life Church for their Sunday morning service. Mike and Michelle Tessendorf, the people who started Helping Hands in Africa pretty much started that church and helped to get it to where it is today which is AMAZING! I had a smile on my face throughout the whole service. I thought we let loose at Sun Valley but man oh man, the people at New Life were movin and grovin! Everyone was so happy and just dancing and really enjoying worship. WHat was cool was that i pretty much knew all the songs they sang and really got to let loose in worship as well. You could definitely feel Gods presence in that building. I have never felt so comfortable in another church before. Everyone was so welcoming and you could just tell they were happy that you where there. They showed that they really cared and wanted to truly invest in the lives of the people in their community. The attitude and atmosphere of New Life was incredible. During worship there was one song that we sang that i felt as if they were singing it just for me. It was just what i needed to hear that day..."When the oceans rise
and the thunder roars,
I will soar with you above the storm.
Father you are King over this flood,
I will be still and know you are God."
and the thunder roars,
I will soar with you above the storm.
Father you are King over this flood,
I will be still and know you are God."
With all the crazyness and heartache and just dumb stuff going on in my life lately, i have felt like i was in a never ending "storm" just swirling around getting lost in the waves but hearing the people in the church sing that, i totally felt as if they were just singing it to me, 
God was telling me that it will be ok, He is there. idk how to explain it besides just being one of those "God Moments" it was amazing!!
After church we went on a short game drive and saw some pretty sweet animals!! Mainly rhinos. they were sooo cool!!
After the game drive and eating and all that important stayin healthy stuff, we went to Molelwane, the village that we would be doing VBS at, met the pastor and then he took us on a tour of the village. At first there were a few kids walking along the dirt paths just a few yards from us and then all of a sudden there are about 20 kids running along side us, holding our hands and walking with us. we didnt know them and they didnt know us but they didnt care. if you just smiled at them, BAM they were glued to your hip and you just had a best friend. Those kids just longed for love and affection. Never underestimate the power of a smile. To those kids, that means the world to them! While we were walking and just hanging out with the kids, the little girl that was holding my hand looked up at me, smiled and said "youre beautiful." Now when a guy says that to you its like, "awww shucks. youre so sweet!"
but when a little girl who is now an orphan due to HIV/Aids says it you you, it just melts your heart and you want to take her home with you! She left me speechless. All i could do was smile and hug her to keep myself from crying!! haha While walking through the village, i noticed that if you looked in the dirt, you would find more bare footprints in the dirt than shoe prints. That hit me hard. I knew that we were going into a poor village, but just the fact that these children are walking around barefoot during the winter time when there is glass and trash all over the place was hard to see in real life. I 
knew it was happening, but it was just hard to see. Makes you want to take your own shoes and socks off and put them on the kids feet! The first picture of the building is of the church that we held VBS in for the kiddos. the next picture is just one of the tin shacks that are scattered around the village and then the last picture is just a group of the boys who waled around the village with us. SUch beautiful kids!!! they LOVED getting their pictures 
taken(: 
once they saw you had a camera BAM they would strike a pose of grab the kids next to them and ask you to take a picture. The last picture is Will showin the kiddos their pictures. They were so stinkin cute! i miss them soooo much!
one thing that i struggled with that day was being intimidated by the kids. yes i know, dumb. but i was just so worried that i would do or say the wrong thing or that i would scare them or something. I was just nervous i guess. but its hard to mess up with them. As long as you have a face to smile with, arms to hug them with, hands for them to hold and a heart to love them with, youre good to go!!! That night i found a verse that helped me out a TON!! 2 Timothy 1:7 it says, "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline." I LOVE this verse! It reminded me to not be afraid or nervous when working with the kids, Gods in control! Gotta share this part that i wrote in my journal that night after reading tha verse, it just makes me laugh. no joke this is what i wrote..."dont fear because God is with you and He has given you a "Spirit of POWER" to go and kick some satan-ass!" hahaha sorry for the language but that just made me chuckle. well i think that pretty much wraps up that day!! so thats all for now! (:
peaces!
-em
quotes for that day:
"you are such a pushover. if someone takes your pie, you fight for it! dude, if someone took my pie they would have a fork in their eye."-peter
"DONT TAKE PETER'S FOOD!!!"-Will (yelling from inside the bathroom lol)
"Did you know we swallow 500 spiders a day?''-Kaylee
"No, thats like in your life time and its like 50."-Sarah
God was telling me that it will be ok, He is there. idk how to explain it besides just being one of those "God Moments" it was amazing!!
After church we went on a short game drive and saw some pretty sweet animals!! Mainly rhinos. they were sooo cool!!After the game drive and eating and all that important stayin healthy stuff, we went to Molelwane, the village that we would be doing VBS at, met the pastor and then he took us on a tour of the village. At first there were a few kids walking along the dirt paths just a few yards from us and then all of a sudden there are about 20 kids running along side us, holding our hands and walking with us. we didnt know them and they didnt know us but they didnt care. if you just smiled at them, BAM they were glued to your hip and you just had a best friend. Those kids just longed for love and affection. Never underestimate the power of a smile. To those kids, that means the world to them! While we were walking and just hanging out with the kids, the little girl that was holding my hand looked up at me, smiled and said "youre beautiful." Now when a guy says that to you its like, "awww shucks. youre so sweet!"
but when a little girl who is now an orphan due to HIV/Aids says it you you, it just melts your heart and you want to take her home with you! She left me speechless. All i could do was smile and hug her to keep myself from crying!! haha While walking through the village, i noticed that if you looked in the dirt, you would find more bare footprints in the dirt than shoe prints. That hit me hard. I knew that we were going into a poor village, but just the fact that these children are walking around barefoot during the winter time when there is glass and trash all over the place was hard to see in real life. I 
knew it was happening, but it was just hard to see. Makes you want to take your own shoes and socks off and put them on the kids feet! The first picture of the building is of the church that we held VBS in for the kiddos. the next picture is just one of the tin shacks that are scattered around the village and then the last picture is just a group of the boys who waled around the village with us. SUch beautiful kids!!! they LOVED getting their pictures 
taken(: 
once they saw you had a camera BAM they would strike a pose of grab the kids next to them and ask you to take a picture. The last picture is Will showin the kiddos their pictures. They were so stinkin cute! i miss them soooo much!one thing that i struggled with that day was being intimidated by the kids. yes i know, dumb. but i was just so worried that i would do or say the wrong thing or that i would scare them or something. I was just nervous i guess. but its hard to mess up with them. As long as you have a face to smile with, arms to hug them with, hands for them to hold and a heart to love them with, youre good to go!!! That night i found a verse that helped me out a TON!! 2 Timothy 1:7 it says, "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline." I LOVE this verse! It reminded me to not be afraid or nervous when working with the kids, Gods in control! Gotta share this part that i wrote in my journal that night after reading tha verse, it just makes me laugh. no joke this is what i wrote..."dont fear because God is with you and He has given you a "Spirit of POWER" to go and kick some satan-ass!" hahaha sorry for the language but that just made me chuckle. well i think that pretty much wraps up that day!! so thats all for now! (:
peaces!
-em
quotes for that day:
"you are such a pushover. if someone takes your pie, you fight for it! dude, if someone took my pie they would have a fork in their eye."-peter
"DONT TAKE PETER'S FOOD!!!"-Will (yelling from inside the bathroom lol)
"Did you know we swallow 500 spiders a day?''-Kaylee
"No, thats like in your life time and its like 50."-Sarah
back on American soil....
Dumela! (Setswana for Hello!)
Got back from the best trip of my entire life yesterday. yes, no joke, it was the BEST!!! Im still processing everything from the trip, just trying to get my thoughts together so i can tell you all what happened without leaving anything out!!! but thats not possible. So much stuff happened, its so hard to fully explain the impact of this trip and everything that happened to my team and I so the solution to that problem is for you to take a trip to South Africa. Do it. You will not regret it!!!
ANywhooo!!! Ive decided to blog about each day individually instead of trying to cram it all into one post! that would just be ridiculous and i would end up writing like a whole book!! so day by day posting seems better to me!!! today ill just start with introducing the trip and maybe the first 3 days since it was just traveling pretty much!
The team consisted of 13 people from my church's Nation2Nine college/young adults group. (4 guys and 9 girls) Will and Leslie Alyea were our amazing leaders for the trip! Thats the team and the kiddos we did VBS with. Miss them soooooo stinkin much!!!
we left AZ on June 2 and arrived back home June 13. The organization we worked with down in South Africa is called Helping Hands in Africa. ( i will tell you more about them later on!! they are fantastic!!)
June 2nd and 3rd were basically traveling days. We didnt actually arrive in South Africa until the 4th. CRAZY! So our flight left phoenix at like 7:30ish i think, had a 9-10hr flight to London. Watched the movie Yogi Bear on the plane, sooooo cute!!! As i was getting off the plane, the flight attendant said "Cherrio!" haha totally made my day(: then had like an 8hr layover in the London airport. was only supposed to be about 6 but our flight got canceled and we ended up leaving for Johannesburg around 9pm instead of 7pm. sooooo boring!! found out that Americans are not well liked by some people lol oh well!!! once our flight finally left, i watched Ringo! It was alright, cussed a lot for being a kids movie! after that movie i still had like 8 1/2 hours to kill so i watched tv and listened to music. tried to sleep but i couldnt get comfortable! was so sick of being on a plane!! Arrived in Johannesburg, SA around 11am on the 4th. Got our bags then loaded up the trailer and the van and drove about an hour then stopped for lunch with the Tessendorfs (thats who runs Helping Hands) did a lil bit of shopping! got some pretty sweet stuff!!!(: then got back in the vans and drove about 2 more hours to Mafikeng. unloaded the luggage, got situated, had some yummy dinner then team time and off to bed! and thats all for now! tomorrow will bring on the next days events!!! so stay tuned!! you dont wanna miss it(; seriously! im just getting started!! it just gets better and better with each day! (:
p.s. time difference in South Africa is 9hrs. (ahead of us) in London its 8hrs.
peaces!
-em
Got back from the best trip of my entire life yesterday. yes, no joke, it was the BEST!!! Im still processing everything from the trip, just trying to get my thoughts together so i can tell you all what happened without leaving anything out!!! but thats not possible. So much stuff happened, its so hard to fully explain the impact of this trip and everything that happened to my team and I so the solution to that problem is for you to take a trip to South Africa. Do it. You will not regret it!!!
ANywhooo!!! Ive decided to blog about each day individually instead of trying to cram it all into one post! that would just be ridiculous and i would end up writing like a whole book!! so day by day posting seems better to me!!! today ill just start with introducing the trip and maybe the first 3 days since it was just traveling pretty much!
The team consisted of 13 people from my church's Nation2Nine college/young adults group. (4 guys and 9 girls) Will and Leslie Alyea were our amazing leaders for the trip! Thats the team and the kiddos we did VBS with. Miss them soooooo stinkin much!!!
we left AZ on June 2 and arrived back home June 13. The organization we worked with down in South Africa is called Helping Hands in Africa. ( i will tell you more about them later on!! they are fantastic!!)
June 2nd and 3rd were basically traveling days. We didnt actually arrive in South Africa until the 4th. CRAZY! So our flight left phoenix at like 7:30ish i think, had a 9-10hr flight to London. Watched the movie Yogi Bear on the plane, sooooo cute!!! As i was getting off the plane, the flight attendant said "Cherrio!" haha totally made my day(: then had like an 8hr layover in the London airport. was only supposed to be about 6 but our flight got canceled and we ended up leaving for Johannesburg around 9pm instead of 7pm. sooooo boring!! found out that Americans are not well liked by some people lol oh well!!! once our flight finally left, i watched Ringo! It was alright, cussed a lot for being a kids movie! after that movie i still had like 8 1/2 hours to kill so i watched tv and listened to music. tried to sleep but i couldnt get comfortable! was so sick of being on a plane!! Arrived in Johannesburg, SA around 11am on the 4th. Got our bags then loaded up the trailer and the van and drove about an hour then stopped for lunch with the Tessendorfs (thats who runs Helping Hands) did a lil bit of shopping! got some pretty sweet stuff!!!(: then got back in the vans and drove about 2 more hours to Mafikeng. unloaded the luggage, got situated, had some yummy dinner then team time and off to bed! and thats all for now! tomorrow will bring on the next days events!!! so stay tuned!! you dont wanna miss it(; seriously! im just getting started!! it just gets better and better with each day! (:
p.s. time difference in South Africa is 9hrs. (ahead of us) in London its 8hrs.
peaces!
-em
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
updating of the blog. check!
Got so much to update! Apparently since im not in school at the moment, i have to find something else to procrastinate on since i dont have home work to do and that is now my blog...oops!!! time to fix that!!
Last week I met with one of the most amazing women i know!! (Mrs. Cindy B!!!!) Love her with all my heart!!!! Anyways, during our much needed starbucks visit, she told me about this amazing thing called Blurb.com. Basically im creating a book out of all my blog posts!!! its sooooo freakin awesome!!! Its going to be my present to myself, kinda like a house warming gift but for my dorm..haha The book will have all my posts from day one up until i leave for NMSU. That will be my Volume #1 of Em's Junk Drawer. I cant wait for it to be finished!!! I work on it like everyday now. not gonna lie, prob the best book ever, besides the bible of course(: haha small side note about my blog, found out today that there are a bunch of random people that I dont even know reading my blog!! People in Moldova have read it!!! along with many other countries. How crazy is that?!!! Just think, something I wrote may have in a way helped them out or been just what they needed to hear. How cool is that?!!! or......they now think im some crazy lady.........i hope its the first one!
Another big thing that happened for me last weekend was my trip up to Sams house. My girls (Kelly, Taylor and Jess) and I took a road trip up to Kirkland to visit Sams parents and pretty much go through her things. We were all dreading the trip, but just like with her funeral, it was really good for us. We remembered the good times. Told stories. Laughed. Sam was definitely with us. Of course it was hard since that was the first time for us to be up there without Sam. Yes it hurt, that pain will never go away but being there, together, remembering Sam and all the good memories we shared was just what all of us girls needed. Out of all the things I brought back from Sams, probably my most favorite is her horse ring. I have yet to take it off. Every time i see it, it brings a smile to my face.
I remember how much she loved horses. I remember going horse back riding together. cutting pictures of horses out of magazines and making a horse book (which i still have!!!!) I remember my birthday party at wild horse ranch rescue and Sam fell in love with Pistol the lil buckskin. I remember going to Bush Gardens and running into the Budweiser Clydesdales barn with her to see the horses. I remember visiting her in the summer up in Baghdad (AZ) and she took me on a tour of the town and pointed out each and every horse there was. I remember talking to her in the hospital about her final decision on her "Make A Wish" and that she decided to get a horse. (A palomino of course!) Who would have thought that a tiny ring could be so powerful?!! Sam, even though you are gone and no longer with me, you are not forgotten. Not a day goes by that I dont think of you. I can still hear your laugh. You had the best laugh. I swear I heard you laughing with us when we came up to visit your parents. (yes i know, crazy talk!) as you said in the poem you wrote me, "even though we will be far away, you will never be gone from my heart, because our friendship will never be torn apart...." Gosh i miss you woman, so freakin much! I know youre up in heaven right now, blessin all them angles and Jesus with the sweet sound of your laugh!! so jealous!!! Love you Sam. always and forever!!!!
So I leave for Africa on thursday(TOMORROW!!!!!)...to be honest, never thought I would ever be saying something like that. I have dreamed of going to Africa for like ever!!! and now its happening. This is insane!!! Not gonna lie, totally freaked out for this trip but I am sooooooooooooooooo stinkin excited!!! I cannot wait to see how God works through my team and I. I cannot wait to meet all the lil kids we get to work with! I cannot wait to tell you all about it when i get back! I just cannot wait!! I feel like this trip is coming at the worst but totally best time for me. (if that makes any sense at all!!) My life is moving at super speed right now, I am just so caught up in GO GO GO! ME ME ME ME ME! life is just so stressful and overwhelming and i feel that Africa is just what i need to get me outta that cycle even though knowing that i will be gone for 11 days and not getting stuff done here at home is stressing me out lol but im ready. I need this trip. God has a plan an i wanna see what that is!! So Africa, here I come!!!!(:
Thats all for now, so too-da-looooo!
-em
quotes for the day are now back in action!! mainly from the kiddos i nanny..
"my tummy hurts. A video game will make it feel better Emilie."-PJ
"The black bees dont eat people, just wood."-Beau
"How am i supposed to cyber stalk him if he does not have a facebook?!"-girl in one of my classes last semester
"yes i know you have a cut on your finger, you just showed me."-me
"its not my finger. its my thumb silly."-Beau
"Eww, he looks gross. Been eatin his vegetables. Too much broccoli. He'll be dead in twenty years."-Beau
"Brother, that looks kinda fun but youre freaking me out."-PJ
"Its, its, its like kil medicine. but for bugs. it kills bugs. But your not a bug so dont worry. Brother look! Its kill bug medicine. Emilie open your mouth, gotta check for bugs....AHH!! Dont panic. There is a spider in your mouth. BANG! killed it. Oh Grace, would you stop eating scorpions!"-Beau
"As president of the United States, here is 2$"-says grace as she hands me 3 pennies.
"Um, Emilie, those are our pennies and they are staying here."-PJ
"Whats that called? A fruit cake?"-kate
"No, thats what youre called."-randy
"Its a FRUIT PIZZA!'-me
"That was poison-chocolate-kiwi. It will make your brain get books in them."-Beau
"Um, Emilie, my girlfriend just turned 38 because that was her party."-Beau
"What if horses had horns? like a bull?"-me
"that would be scary."-jess
"well, if it was like a unicorn horn, that would be cool."-me
"then its just a unicorn. duh Em."-Taylor
"You trying to get to Kirkland junction"-police officer
"No, Kirkland, Arizona!"-kelly
Last week I met with one of the most amazing women i know!! (Mrs. Cindy B!!!!) Love her with all my heart!!!! Anyways, during our much needed starbucks visit, she told me about this amazing thing called Blurb.com. Basically im creating a book out of all my blog posts!!! its sooooo freakin awesome!!! Its going to be my present to myself, kinda like a house warming gift but for my dorm..haha The book will have all my posts from day one up until i leave for NMSU. That will be my Volume #1 of Em's Junk Drawer. I cant wait for it to be finished!!! I work on it like everyday now. not gonna lie, prob the best book ever, besides the bible of course(: haha small side note about my blog, found out today that there are a bunch of random people that I dont even know reading my blog!! People in Moldova have read it!!! along with many other countries. How crazy is that?!!! Just think, something I wrote may have in a way helped them out or been just what they needed to hear. How cool is that?!!! or......they now think im some crazy lady.........i hope its the first one!
Another big thing that happened for me last weekend was my trip up to Sams house. My girls (Kelly, Taylor and Jess) and I took a road trip up to Kirkland to visit Sams parents and pretty much go through her things. We were all dreading the trip, but just like with her funeral, it was really good for us. We remembered the good times. Told stories. Laughed. Sam was definitely with us. Of course it was hard since that was the first time for us to be up there without Sam. Yes it hurt, that pain will never go away but being there, together, remembering Sam and all the good memories we shared was just what all of us girls needed. Out of all the things I brought back from Sams, probably my most favorite is her horse ring. I have yet to take it off. Every time i see it, it brings a smile to my face.
I remember how much she loved horses. I remember going horse back riding together. cutting pictures of horses out of magazines and making a horse book (which i still have!!!!) I remember my birthday party at wild horse ranch rescue and Sam fell in love with Pistol the lil buckskin. I remember going to Bush Gardens and running into the Budweiser Clydesdales barn with her to see the horses. I remember visiting her in the summer up in Baghdad (AZ) and she took me on a tour of the town and pointed out each and every horse there was. I remember talking to her in the hospital about her final decision on her "Make A Wish" and that she decided to get a horse. (A palomino of course!) Who would have thought that a tiny ring could be so powerful?!! Sam, even though you are gone and no longer with me, you are not forgotten. Not a day goes by that I dont think of you. I can still hear your laugh. You had the best laugh. I swear I heard you laughing with us when we came up to visit your parents. (yes i know, crazy talk!) as you said in the poem you wrote me, "even though we will be far away, you will never be gone from my heart, because our friendship will never be torn apart...." Gosh i miss you woman, so freakin much! I know youre up in heaven right now, blessin all them angles and Jesus with the sweet sound of your laugh!! so jealous!!! Love you Sam. always and forever!!!!So I leave for Africa on thursday(TOMORROW!!!!!)...to be honest, never thought I would ever be saying something like that. I have dreamed of going to Africa for like ever!!! and now its happening. This is insane!!! Not gonna lie, totally freaked out for this trip but I am sooooooooooooooooo stinkin excited!!! I cannot wait to see how God works through my team and I. I cannot wait to meet all the lil kids we get to work with! I cannot wait to tell you all about it when i get back! I just cannot wait!! I feel like this trip is coming at the worst but totally best time for me. (if that makes any sense at all!!) My life is moving at super speed right now, I am just so caught up in GO GO GO! ME ME ME ME ME! life is just so stressful and overwhelming and i feel that Africa is just what i need to get me outta that cycle even though knowing that i will be gone for 11 days and not getting stuff done here at home is stressing me out lol but im ready. I need this trip. God has a plan an i wanna see what that is!! So Africa, here I come!!!!(:
Thats all for now, so too-da-looooo!
-em
quotes for the day are now back in action!! mainly from the kiddos i nanny..
"my tummy hurts. A video game will make it feel better Emilie."-PJ
"The black bees dont eat people, just wood."-Beau
"How am i supposed to cyber stalk him if he does not have a facebook?!"-girl in one of my classes last semester
"yes i know you have a cut on your finger, you just showed me."-me
"its not my finger. its my thumb silly."-Beau
"Eww, he looks gross. Been eatin his vegetables. Too much broccoli. He'll be dead in twenty years."-Beau
"Brother, that looks kinda fun but youre freaking me out."-PJ
"Its, its, its like kil medicine. but for bugs. it kills bugs. But your not a bug so dont worry. Brother look! Its kill bug medicine. Emilie open your mouth, gotta check for bugs....AHH!! Dont panic. There is a spider in your mouth. BANG! killed it. Oh Grace, would you stop eating scorpions!"-Beau
"As president of the United States, here is 2$"-says grace as she hands me 3 pennies.
"Um, Emilie, those are our pennies and they are staying here."-PJ
"Whats that called? A fruit cake?"-kate
"No, thats what youre called."-randy
"Its a FRUIT PIZZA!'-me
"That was poison-chocolate-kiwi. It will make your brain get books in them."-Beau
"Um, Emilie, my girlfriend just turned 38 because that was her party."-Beau
"What if horses had horns? like a bull?"-me
"that would be scary."-jess
"well, if it was like a unicorn horn, that would be cool."-me
"then its just a unicorn. duh Em."-Taylor
"You trying to get to Kirkland junction"-police officer
"No, Kirkland, Arizona!"-kelly
Saturday, May 21, 2011
crash and burn.
today was another one of those good days that fails to finish strong. pretty much full on crash and burn.
my day was great. got a bunch of stuff done. had a wonderful time with the kiddos at work and then came home and blehhh. everything just fell apart. its always back to "reality" when i get home. walking into the living room and seeing all the moving boxes. walking into my room and seeing the blank walls with boxes stacked next to them. seeing the pictures of me and Sam strung across my curtain rod. coming back to reality sucks.
my day was great. got a bunch of stuff done. had a wonderful time with the kiddos at work and then came home and blehhh. everything just fell apart. its always back to "reality" when i get home. walking into the living room and seeing all the moving boxes. walking into my room and seeing the blank walls with boxes stacked next to them. seeing the pictures of me and Sam strung across my curtain rod. coming back to reality sucks.
"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you cant see her,
or it can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and lose your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she's want:
smile. open your eyes. love and go on."-David Harkins
its been 46 days now since i lost my best friend to cancer. the days and nights are much easier than before. still struggle every now and then as you can see. its hard when i drive past Sams old house that we shared so many memories in every single day. another constant reminder.
my girls and I are going up to her house in Kirkland next weekend. not gonna lie, im definitely not ready for that. not one bit. mom an dad have stuff that they want us to have. :/ goodness, thats gonna be hard. gonna go visit Sam before we head back home. just thinking about it now hurts. please keep us in your prayers. i know none of us are ready for Saturday. yeah, were all excited to go up there and see mom and dad and talk about all the good times, but were all terrified at the same time.
ugh. it just makes me so mad thinking about Sam sometimes. like why the heck did God have to take her?? why did He feel that now was the best time??? She was soooo young. Life was just beginning! She was starting to get better. I literally had just gotten her letter a few days before, everything was fine. I didnt even get the chance to write back...It just doesnt make sense at all.
i just miss her..never thought i would have to deal with this. never thought i would have to attend my best friends funeral this young. never thought i would lose her..dumb.
thats all.
peaces!
-em
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you cant see her,
or it can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and lose your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she's want:
smile. open your eyes. love and go on."-David Harkins
its been 46 days now since i lost my best friend to cancer. the days and nights are much easier than before. still struggle every now and then as you can see. its hard when i drive past Sams old house that we shared so many memories in every single day. another constant reminder.
my girls and I are going up to her house in Kirkland next weekend. not gonna lie, im definitely not ready for that. not one bit. mom an dad have stuff that they want us to have. :/ goodness, thats gonna be hard. gonna go visit Sam before we head back home. just thinking about it now hurts. please keep us in your prayers. i know none of us are ready for Saturday. yeah, were all excited to go up there and see mom and dad and talk about all the good times, but were all terrified at the same time.
ugh. it just makes me so mad thinking about Sam sometimes. like why the heck did God have to take her?? why did He feel that now was the best time??? She was soooo young. Life was just beginning! She was starting to get better. I literally had just gotten her letter a few days before, everything was fine. I didnt even get the chance to write back...It just doesnt make sense at all.
i just miss her..never thought i would have to deal with this. never thought i would have to attend my best friends funeral this young. never thought i would lose her..dumb.
thats all.
peaces!
-em
Monday, May 16, 2011
mixed emotions.
New Mexico? moving? leaving the place ive lived my entire life? saying goodbye? no thank you....maybe....i dunno...okay...
Now that this semester is over, time to start preparing for this coming fall semester....at New Mexico State University. For the past couple years, NMSU has been the dream. Ive talked about going there since like freshman year. But now that its actually happening is freaking me out. It was so easy to talk about it and be ok with leaving when it was 4 years away, 3 years away but now that its like 3 months away, its crazy..and ive definitely got mixed emotions about it. I know im going, i want to go but i dont want to have to say goodbye to everything here...
I started packing up my room yesterday. I have 4 categories, stuff im taking to my doorm, stuff im pitting in storage, stuff im taking to the house in NM and stuff im throwing away or getting rid of. I never thought how depressing packing would be. I find myself just sitting on my floor, staring at the empty walls thinking about all the memories ive had not only in my room but in my house. most depressing thing ever. i even told myself that i wasnt going to NMSU anymore, its just too hard. But, its what i really want to do, even though its going to suck for a bit.
life right now seems to be moving at super speed, not stopping for anything. Im going away to school. my parents are moving to NM. my brother is going off to NAU. my first year of college is complete. i leave for africa in like 18 days. everything is just going so fast. Sometimes i wish i could just pause it so i can stop and actually enjoy the day, instead of worrying about what i didnt get done, or what i need to do the next day. Summer is supposed to be fun, exciting, time to hang out with your friends and enjoy life not stress out about leaving your friends and pretty much your whole life for a brand new start. which im excited for yet scared outta my mind!!!
the only good thing about all this stress, is that it keeps my mind off of other things, like those stupid thoughts that pretty much torture myself. like how i didnt spend nearly enough time with Sam. how selfish i was that i didnt visit her in the hospital as much as i could because i was scared. thats the worst one. i put my feelings before hers. i was scared? who cares. she was scared! and she needed me. but, "im not supposed to think that way" an yada yada yada.
lifes just crazy!!! you gotta strap in and hang on for the roller coaster ride. but dont forget to throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it every now and then. you deserve it.
“A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose – a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve.”~ John Maxwell
that is all!
peaces!
-em
Now that this semester is over, time to start preparing for this coming fall semester....at New Mexico State University. For the past couple years, NMSU has been the dream. Ive talked about going there since like freshman year. But now that its actually happening is freaking me out. It was so easy to talk about it and be ok with leaving when it was 4 years away, 3 years away but now that its like 3 months away, its crazy..and ive definitely got mixed emotions about it. I know im going, i want to go but i dont want to have to say goodbye to everything here...
I started packing up my room yesterday. I have 4 categories, stuff im taking to my doorm, stuff im pitting in storage, stuff im taking to the house in NM and stuff im throwing away or getting rid of. I never thought how depressing packing would be. I find myself just sitting on my floor, staring at the empty walls thinking about all the memories ive had not only in my room but in my house. most depressing thing ever. i even told myself that i wasnt going to NMSU anymore, its just too hard. But, its what i really want to do, even though its going to suck for a bit.
life right now seems to be moving at super speed, not stopping for anything. Im going away to school. my parents are moving to NM. my brother is going off to NAU. my first year of college is complete. i leave for africa in like 18 days. everything is just going so fast. Sometimes i wish i could just pause it so i can stop and actually enjoy the day, instead of worrying about what i didnt get done, or what i need to do the next day. Summer is supposed to be fun, exciting, time to hang out with your friends and enjoy life not stress out about leaving your friends and pretty much your whole life for a brand new start. which im excited for yet scared outta my mind!!!
the only good thing about all this stress, is that it keeps my mind off of other things, like those stupid thoughts that pretty much torture myself. like how i didnt spend nearly enough time with Sam. how selfish i was that i didnt visit her in the hospital as much as i could because i was scared. thats the worst one. i put my feelings before hers. i was scared? who cares. she was scared! and she needed me. but, "im not supposed to think that way" an yada yada yada.
lifes just crazy!!! you gotta strap in and hang on for the roller coaster ride. but dont forget to throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it every now and then. you deserve it.
“A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose – a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve.”~ John Maxwell
that is all!
peaces!
-em
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
strength to face the day.
"If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes..."- Corrie TenBoom
"You, O Lord keep my lamp burning;
My God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
With my God i can scale a wall.
As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is FLAWLESS.
He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock besides our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn...."
Psalm 18 : 28-36
My God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
With my God i can scale a wall.
As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is FLAWLESS.
He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock besides our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn...."
Psalm 18 : 28-36
The one thing that i know i need to stay strong in is my faith. But, lately thats been really hard. I already felt distant from God before Sam passed. Ive been struggling with Him for a while now. But, even though im struggling, i still try and read His word as much as i can. It really does help even though i may not be as close as I want to be with God. Its going to take some time but, passages like this one and the one below give me the strength i need to face the day. they give me hope that even though im not where i want to be with God right now, Hes still there walking with me, helping me, strengthening me, loving me and Hes never leaving.
"Praise be to the Lord,
for He has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.."
Psalm 28 : 6-7
for He has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.."
Psalm 28 : 6-7
thats all.
peaces!
-em
peaces!
-em
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
when youre broken...
well, i took my own advice about not always having to be strong and broke down tonight. What set it off was driving down Gilbert road tonight and passing by Joe's BBQ. Started ballin like a baby. the car next to me probably thought i was crazy or something. Joe's BBQ was one of Sams favorite places to eat and the last time i went there was with her and her family after she had come down for one of her chemo treatments when she was getting better..... Id give anything to go back to that day.
Then i started thinking about Sams parents. Sunday was mothers day. I cant even imagine how much her moms heart was aching. It breaks my heart just thinking about that. No mom should have to deal with that pain. Its just not fair. Sunday, i over heard one of our pastors say that our pain isnt wasted. I know that without a doubt, but i couldnt help but think to myself, "yeah, well you go tell that to Sam's parents and see how that goes." Its just been really hard lately to actually believe these things in my heart. I can say it, i can read it, i can hear it but that doesnt mean i feel that way in my heart. I want to feel that way, i really do i just dont know how....
another song that ive been listening to lately is "Broken" by Lindsey Haun. Its from the movie Broken Bridges. (great movie) Its pretty much how may good days go, starts off great then bam! something ruins it and like ive said before, my good days just dont finish strong. But here are some of the lyrics...
Then i started thinking about Sams parents. Sunday was mothers day. I cant even imagine how much her moms heart was aching. It breaks my heart just thinking about that. No mom should have to deal with that pain. Its just not fair. Sunday, i over heard one of our pastors say that our pain isnt wasted. I know that without a doubt, but i couldnt help but think to myself, "yeah, well you go tell that to Sam's parents and see how that goes." Its just been really hard lately to actually believe these things in my heart. I can say it, i can read it, i can hear it but that doesnt mean i feel that way in my heart. I want to feel that way, i really do i just dont know how....
another song that ive been listening to lately is "Broken" by Lindsey Haun. Its from the movie Broken Bridges. (great movie) Its pretty much how may good days go, starts off great then bam! something ruins it and like ive said before, my good days just dont finish strong. But here are some of the lyrics...
"Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky
Then it starts to rain, my defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around, so open and exposed
I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble
When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken
Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking"
Then it starts to rain, my defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around, so open and exposed
I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble
When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken
Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking"
I love the part where it says, "every tear falls down for a reason" an the last part "no matter how much your heart is aching, there is beauty in the breaking" God doesnt waste pain, He uses it and makes something beautiful out of it. So right now, im just waiting for my "something beautiful"
Love you Sam. always and forever.
time to go study for my econ final...woo
-em
Love you Sam. always and forever.
time to go study for my econ final...woo
-em
Saturday, May 7, 2011
stay strong?
Within the last month or two, lifes thrown me some pretty wicked curve balls. The main one obviously being the death of my best friend. and through all of that everyone kept telling me to stay strong emilie! be strong! gotta just stay strong! Well, i've come to realize that, staying strong isnt always what you need.
Recently, God has placed a very amazing girl into my life, Kadee. She has been a huge support in getting me through the hard times. and she was the one who first made me realize that, its ok to admit that youre not strong enough, its ok to cry, its ok to let other people be strong for you. She told me about a song by Matthew West called Strong Enough. Listen to it, its so much better to hear it than to just read the lyrics, but im putting them in here anyways....
"You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us..."
then later he goes on to say,
"You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough..."
his song says it all. We dont have to be strong enough. We dont have to keep pretending like we have got it all together. Its ok to let people know youre really not alright. And for me to admit that is saying a WHOLE lot!!! So guys, realize that im still not fine. Im not strong enough but i will get through this, with help from God of course and you guys!!
And with that being said, we gotta be strong for Kadee. Shes going through a rough time right now, her and her family really need your prayers!!
looks bad but oh well, just a sharpie and some cardboard. but i like it.
"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength."Philippians 4:13
See, God doesn't expect us to be like super hero's with super strength, He wants us to come to Him. He wants us to know that He is here for us and He loves us.
thank you!
-peaces!
-em
Recently, God has placed a very amazing girl into my life, Kadee. She has been a huge support in getting me through the hard times. and she was the one who first made me realize that, its ok to admit that youre not strong enough, its ok to cry, its ok to let other people be strong for you. She told me about a song by Matthew West called Strong Enough. Listen to it, its so much better to hear it than to just read the lyrics, but im putting them in here anyways....
"You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us..."
then later he goes on to say,
"You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough..."
his song says it all. We dont have to be strong enough. We dont have to keep pretending like we have got it all together. Its ok to let people know youre really not alright. And for me to admit that is saying a WHOLE lot!!! So guys, realize that im still not fine. Im not strong enough but i will get through this, with help from God of course and you guys!!
And with that being said, we gotta be strong for Kadee. Shes going through a rough time right now, her and her family really need your prayers!!
looks bad but oh well, just a sharpie and some cardboard. but i like it.
"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength."Philippians 4:13
See, God doesn't expect us to be like super hero's with super strength, He wants us to come to Him. He wants us to know that He is here for us and He loves us.
-peaces!
-em
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Its like my eyelids are glued to the top of my forehead...
hello there!!
i dont even know where to begin....its been like a month now since i lost Sam. sleep has yet to be consistent for me. i just lay there. eyes wide open. thinking. thinking about the good times with Sam. thinking about the times i wasnt able to be there and keep her company in the hospital and how much i would give to go back and relive those days. thinking about the last time she came down to visit. thinking about the letter i got a few days before she passed. thinking about how peaceful she looked at her memorial. thinking about how she is up in heaven now, chillin with Jesus. just thinking. my mind wont let me sleep.
the days are getting easier. My good days are starting to over take the bad ones. but every now and then the bad ones kinda just sneak up on me and BAM! ruin everything. stupid bad days. but those are to be expected i guess.
earlier today while out drivin, i was thinkin about the day of Sams memorial. during her service, they had a time when we were allowed to stand and share a favorite memory we had with Sam. well, seeing as how i was balling my eyes out, i was unable to share one of my favorite memories wither her. i really wanted to so now ill share it on here. It was way back when we were probably in like 5th or 6th grade and it was during one of the awesome summer trips her family let me come on. Sam loved roller coasters and scary rides so she loved going to theme parks. Pretty sure we were at Knottsberry farms and she wanted to go on the drop ride but i was too scared. She begged me to go on it with her so i gave in and said yes. When we got on the ride, the side that we were on only had the two of us on it. The whole time while we were going up to the top, Sam and I were freaking out! we kept saying we loved each other and that if one of us died we would get each others stuffed animals and stuff like that. then we finally got to the top, we were holding hands so tight that our knuckles were white and BAM!! we dropped! and on the whole way down we screamed our heads off and laughed. It was so much fun. I can still remember her face, she had the biggest smile and was just so happy. When we got off, we rode it like 4 more times. thats just one of my favorite memories of Sam.
I wish you all could have met her. She was amazing. The best-EST friend anyone could ever ask for.
Sam, if there are rollercoasters in heaven, save me a seat!
peaces!
-em
"No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through the tears...." Love you Sam.
i dont even know where to begin....its been like a month now since i lost Sam. sleep has yet to be consistent for me. i just lay there. eyes wide open. thinking. thinking about the good times with Sam. thinking about the times i wasnt able to be there and keep her company in the hospital and how much i would give to go back and relive those days. thinking about the last time she came down to visit. thinking about the letter i got a few days before she passed. thinking about how peaceful she looked at her memorial. thinking about how she is up in heaven now, chillin with Jesus. just thinking. my mind wont let me sleep.
the days are getting easier. My good days are starting to over take the bad ones. but every now and then the bad ones kinda just sneak up on me and BAM! ruin everything. stupid bad days. but those are to be expected i guess.
earlier today while out drivin, i was thinkin about the day of Sams memorial. during her service, they had a time when we were allowed to stand and share a favorite memory we had with Sam. well, seeing as how i was balling my eyes out, i was unable to share one of my favorite memories wither her. i really wanted to so now ill share it on here. It was way back when we were probably in like 5th or 6th grade and it was during one of the awesome summer trips her family let me come on. Sam loved roller coasters and scary rides so she loved going to theme parks. Pretty sure we were at Knottsberry farms and she wanted to go on the drop ride but i was too scared. She begged me to go on it with her so i gave in and said yes. When we got on the ride, the side that we were on only had the two of us on it. The whole time while we were going up to the top, Sam and I were freaking out! we kept saying we loved each other and that if one of us died we would get each others stuffed animals and stuff like that. then we finally got to the top, we were holding hands so tight that our knuckles were white and BAM!! we dropped! and on the whole way down we screamed our heads off and laughed. It was so much fun. I can still remember her face, she had the biggest smile and was just so happy. When we got off, we rode it like 4 more times. thats just one of my favorite memories of Sam.
I wish you all could have met her. She was amazing. The best-EST friend anyone could ever ask for.
Sam, if there are rollercoasters in heaven, save me a seat!
peaces!
-em
"No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through the tears...." Love you Sam.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Bipolar? or just crazy?
Well, ive been reading over my latest blog posts. I still dont get how i can go from a post that seems so hopeful and talks about having a great day to a post where im falling apart. It just doesnt make sense at all. Am i bipolar? or am i just crazy? My days can easily change with just the blink of an eye. They didnt used to be like that. I want to get back to the happy, positive, cheerful Emilie. where is she hiding? If you find her, please let me know.
Started working on my art project today. I cant wait until its finished. Its going to be legit. That was probably the highlight of my day today. The rest i spent writing a boring paper on democracy and capitalism....woooo...Dont get too crazy on your friday Emilie...
My brother Chris and like 30 other dirt bike riders started the Rip To The Tip ride yesterday morning starting in Tecate and ending in Cabo. Its an 8 day ride that covers 1500 miles. Well, with the start of day 2 this morning, one of the riders to a bad fall and ended up passing away. Please keep the riders as well as Jeff Kargola's family and friends in your prayers. We dont know if the riders are going to finish the ride or not, so just keep them in your prayers. Pray that if they decide to finish, that they are all safe and if they decided to come home, that they have a safe trip home. They were all like family and yeah, losing a loved one so sudden sucks.
http://www.riptothetip.com/frontpage/rest-in-peace-jeff-ox-kargola/
Their website has more info.
well thats all for now! time to try and get some sleep.
peaces!
-em
Started working on my art project today. I cant wait until its finished. Its going to be legit. That was probably the highlight of my day today. The rest i spent writing a boring paper on democracy and capitalism....woooo...Dont get too crazy on your friday Emilie...
My brother Chris and like 30 other dirt bike riders started the Rip To The Tip ride yesterday morning starting in Tecate and ending in Cabo. Its an 8 day ride that covers 1500 miles. Well, with the start of day 2 this morning, one of the riders to a bad fall and ended up passing away. Please keep the riders as well as Jeff Kargola's family and friends in your prayers. We dont know if the riders are going to finish the ride or not, so just keep them in your prayers. Pray that if they decide to finish, that they are all safe and if they decided to come home, that they have a safe trip home. They were all like family and yeah, losing a loved one so sudden sucks.
http://www.riptothetip.com/frontpage/rest-in-peace-jeff-ox-kargola/
Their website has more info.
well thats all for now! time to try and get some sleep.
peaces!
-em
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
"The One Where Emilie Is Fine"
for those of you who didnt get the title, its a reference to the amazing show Friends. (the one where Ross is fine...)
but anyways, ive noticed a common occurrence throughout my day. I can be having a great day, and then i get back home, back to reality, back to my thoughts and that great day can just fall to pieces. I really wish that wouldnt happen, but sadly it does. No matter how hard I try. I dont even know why. Take today for instance, I was having a great day, woke up and took care of the horses, got some homework done, treated myself to some shopping and got some pretty sweet stuff for my next art project that is going to be amazing! Had dinner and just some good ol' fashioned hang out time with an awesome friend which i definitely needed. and then I went home. The TV distracted me for a bit and then it was time to try and sleep and BAM everything falls apart. I dont even know why. all of a sudden, i feel terrible, i feel depressed, on the verge of tears. I just dont get it. My good days never seem to finish strong anymore. They kind of just die off towards the end. Im getting tired of it. I really want to have good days, im trying, i just dont get it.
Yesterday I was sitting in a meeting at church. The topic of why bad things happen was being discussed. One thing that stuck with me that i heard was, that our pain isnt wasted. God uses it to turn it into something beautiful. I totally agree with that 110% but, i guess im still waiting on my "something beautiful". I know God took Sam for a reason, i know this just wasnt a mistake, i know my pain isnt being wasted but knowing that doesnt make it all better.
Losing someone is definitely one of the hardest things i have ever had to go through. Yes, this isnt the first time that i have lost a loved one but Sam is different. She was 18, too young, she was my sister, my best friend, my other half. Youre not supposed to die at 18, youre supposed to live life and grow old.
Ive found that its easy to go about my day pretending that im fine and everything is alright that way i dont have to face reality. well the truth is, im not fine nor will i ever be fine anytime soon. Im scared to face reality. Im scared to show people that im hurting. Im scared to admit that im not ok. But most of all, im scared that one day, in the future when things finally get easier, that ill be too busy and caught up in life that i will forget to remember Sam. That thought haunts me every day..
Kadee, an amazing woman that God has put in my life recently, told me about a song by Matthew West called All the Broken Pieces. There is a part in the song that goes like this, "Did you hear what i said? Did you read the words i wrote down in red? I was broken once for you, and no one loves you like I do. And thats the beauty of this grace, it can put the pieces back in place." I listen to that part over and over. It gives me hope.
Thats all for now.
-em
Monday, April 25, 2011
When i look to the sky, something tells me youre here with me..
Hello folks.
So yesterday was Easter Sunday. I had a wonderful day spent with my amazing family. Ate some delicious food, played volleyball, football, Minute To Win It games, relaxed, talked, laughed, just had a good time. That was definitely what i needed, just some good ol' fashioned family time.
Its been almost 3 weeks now since i lost my best friend Sam to cancer; the days are becoming much easier for me to get through. They keep me distracted from the thought that Sams not here anymore, that i wont be seeing her for a while, and ive noticed that something always happens during the day will remind me of her and bring a smile to my face. Whether its recalling a funny memory, hearing one of her favorite songs on the radio or visiting the horses at WHRR. Every day i think of you Sam. You will never be forgotten! As easy as the days are getting for me, the nights not so much. Im sleeping finally but it takes forever for my mind to quiet itself and let me sleep. every now and then ill have a bad night where sleep just isnt happening for me, but those are not as often anymore. The nightmares are slowly going away thanks to late night phone calls and Sams old teddy bear, Blackie.
No one ever tells you that life will be easy, and they definitely dont tell you that life will be this hard sometimes.
I texted Sam yesterday to tell her happy Easter. I dont know why i did it, just felt like i needed to. I knew i wouldnt get a response, but deep down there was a small piece of me that hoped for one.
I still cant get over the fact that youre gone Sam. I know its been almost 3 weeks, but it just shouldnt have happened. For those of you who didnt know Sam, she was freakin awesome. She was definitely the nicest person i knew. She had the sweetest and most caring heart ever. She loved everyone; family, friends, dogs, horses, animals! Even if she didnt know you that well, she loved you. Not one selfish bone in her body. Whenever we hung out, we always had a blast. She was one crazy chick! Then you put the two of us together and oh man! Her parents definitely had a handful to deal with when we were together!!(: All the sleepovers and crazy vacations, we had a blast. Im so thankful for all the time i was able to spend with you Sam. It was definitely cut way too short but we sure did live it up to the fullest! Cant wait to see your smiling face again.
peaces!
-em
So yesterday was Easter Sunday. I had a wonderful day spent with my amazing family. Ate some delicious food, played volleyball, football, Minute To Win It games, relaxed, talked, laughed, just had a good time. That was definitely what i needed, just some good ol' fashioned family time.
Its been almost 3 weeks now since i lost my best friend Sam to cancer; the days are becoming much easier for me to get through. They keep me distracted from the thought that Sams not here anymore, that i wont be seeing her for a while, and ive noticed that something always happens during the day will remind me of her and bring a smile to my face. Whether its recalling a funny memory, hearing one of her favorite songs on the radio or visiting the horses at WHRR. Every day i think of you Sam. You will never be forgotten! As easy as the days are getting for me, the nights not so much. Im sleeping finally but it takes forever for my mind to quiet itself and let me sleep. every now and then ill have a bad night where sleep just isnt happening for me, but those are not as often anymore. The nightmares are slowly going away thanks to late night phone calls and Sams old teddy bear, Blackie.
No one ever tells you that life will be easy, and they definitely dont tell you that life will be this hard sometimes.
I texted Sam yesterday to tell her happy Easter. I dont know why i did it, just felt like i needed to. I knew i wouldnt get a response, but deep down there was a small piece of me that hoped for one.
I still cant get over the fact that youre gone Sam. I know its been almost 3 weeks, but it just shouldnt have happened. For those of you who didnt know Sam, she was freakin awesome. She was definitely the nicest person i knew. She had the sweetest and most caring heart ever. She loved everyone; family, friends, dogs, horses, animals! Even if she didnt know you that well, she loved you. Not one selfish bone in her body. Whenever we hung out, we always had a blast. She was one crazy chick! Then you put the two of us together and oh man! Her parents definitely had a handful to deal with when we were together!!(: All the sleepovers and crazy vacations, we had a blast. Im so thankful for all the time i was able to spend with you Sam. It was definitely cut way too short but we sure did live it up to the fullest! Cant wait to see your smiling face again.
Love you girl with all of my heart forever and ever!
peaces!
-em
Friday, April 22, 2011
to find the good amongst the crap...
today was good, but yet so hard for me!
Its been 2 weeks now since i lost my best friend. Its still hard for me to accept the fact that shes no longer here...that i cant just pick up the phone and give her a call. I try and keep my mind off those thoughts as much as possible and to focus on the good memories we had together. but some times, being strong and holding back them tears just doesnt always work. little things just seem to set off the water works again.
While cleanin my room today, i started reading what people signed on my graduation poster. Sam signed right in the middle, balled like a baby after reading that. found the poem you wrote me for the book katelyn made for my birthday, it was right before you moved to Bagdad, AZ.
"Even though we will be far away,
you will never be gone from my heart,
because our friendship will never be torn apart.
Friendships last forever,
They're built through a lifetime of experiences,
and ours go way back.
So let the miles keep us near and intact,
Your friend,
Samantha"
balled like a baby after reading that too, just like i am now....
ugh. finding things like this throughout my day makes it so hard. I dont want to forget you, thats definitely not it, i just want this pain to go away. but that just wont happen, i see you everywhere. In the horses that i get to take care of, you're in the music i listen to, i see you when i drive past your house every day remembering the games we used to play in the front yard, i see you in my dreams. youre everywhere. Like you said in the poem, "you will never be gone from my heart"....
I just want you back. You should be here. I should be going to visit you this summer. I should be helping you guys with getting your horse. We should be sending our letters back and forth. You were supposed to get better. We were going to beat this cancer remember? We made a promise. I just dont get it. What possible reason could God have for taking you away? Doesnt He know that I need you?
life just sucks sometimes. Im trying to look for the good amongst all this crap. i just cant find it...Sam you were good at finding the upside to things. I loved that about you...it was just too soon babe, too soon.
love you to pieces girl. miss you like crazy. Cant wait to see you again..
-em
Its been 2 weeks now since i lost my best friend. Its still hard for me to accept the fact that shes no longer here...that i cant just pick up the phone and give her a call. I try and keep my mind off those thoughts as much as possible and to focus on the good memories we had together. but some times, being strong and holding back them tears just doesnt always work. little things just seem to set off the water works again.
While cleanin my room today, i started reading what people signed on my graduation poster. Sam signed right in the middle, balled like a baby after reading that. found the poem you wrote me for the book katelyn made for my birthday, it was right before you moved to Bagdad, AZ.
"Even though we will be far away,
you will never be gone from my heart,
because our friendship will never be torn apart.
Friendships last forever,
They're built through a lifetime of experiences,
and ours go way back.
So let the miles keep us near and intact,
Your friend,
Samantha"
balled like a baby after reading that too, just like i am now....
ugh. finding things like this throughout my day makes it so hard. I dont want to forget you, thats definitely not it, i just want this pain to go away. but that just wont happen, i see you everywhere. In the horses that i get to take care of, you're in the music i listen to, i see you when i drive past your house every day remembering the games we used to play in the front yard, i see you in my dreams. youre everywhere. Like you said in the poem, "you will never be gone from my heart"....
I just want you back. You should be here. I should be going to visit you this summer. I should be helping you guys with getting your horse. We should be sending our letters back and forth. You were supposed to get better. We were going to beat this cancer remember? We made a promise. I just dont get it. What possible reason could God have for taking you away? Doesnt He know that I need you?
life just sucks sometimes. Im trying to look for the good amongst all this crap. i just cant find it...Sam you were good at finding the upside to things. I loved that about you...it was just too soon babe, too soon.
love you to pieces girl. miss you like crazy. Cant wait to see you again..
-em
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
the smell of horse poop in the morning...
Got to start my day off right today! took the 5am horse feed shift at Wild Horse Rescue Ranch. spent like 2 hours out there, even though we were done at like 6ish. 14 horses fed, watered, fly-masked and rotated in record time.
While out with the horses, i couldnt help but smile. Smile because i was doing something that i loved, smile because its so easy for me to get up before the sun to be with horses yet i cant get my lazy butt up for school, smile because i know Sam is right there with me enjoying the horses company, smile because thats just one of the many things me and Sam shared (a love for horses). That was the ranch that i had one of my birthdays at, Sam had her heart set on adopting a cute lil buckskin mare named Pistol. good start to my day for sure. No heart ache, just happy memories and horses.....
So yesterday while talking to a friend, i was asked why anyone would want to lead a life pleasing to God. To be honest, i dont think i have ever been asked that question before or have actually taken time to think about it. The question stumped me. All i could say was that, that was how i was raised my whole life and that God sent his only son to die on the cross for my sins so that I could be in heaven and that the least i could do was live a life pleasing to Him for the grace he has shown me. Typical churchy answer. I felt terrible for not being about to come up with anything else. Ive been a Christian my whole life, gone on mission trips, given my testimony, been baptized and yet one question totally caught me off guard. It made me realize that maybe im not as close with God as i thought i was. Have i just been putting on a front for everyone else? I want to think i havent but maybe i have? well, its time to change that and break away from all that lukewarm crap. I dont just want to go through the motions, i dont want to just run to God when i need Him or when its good for me. SO by admitting this, im taking my first step in breaking them stupid chains that are keeping me from the relationship that i deserve, scratch that, the relationship that i WANT to have with God...
Thats all i feel like talking about for today. Not much else to say. Lifes crazy, totally sucks sometimes but hey, no one ever said it would be easy.
"You gotta take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, things go wrong, just remember life goes on!" I dont know who said this but i like it. Figured i would share it!
well time to do some more homework!
Peaces!
-em
Love you Samantha Rae! With all my heart! I know youre having a blast right now chillin with Jesus! and with that thought, i smile(: love you woman!
While out with the horses, i couldnt help but smile. Smile because i was doing something that i loved, smile because its so easy for me to get up before the sun to be with horses yet i cant get my lazy butt up for school, smile because i know Sam is right there with me enjoying the horses company, smile because thats just one of the many things me and Sam shared (a love for horses). That was the ranch that i had one of my birthdays at, Sam had her heart set on adopting a cute lil buckskin mare named Pistol. good start to my day for sure. No heart ache, just happy memories and horses.....
So yesterday while talking to a friend, i was asked why anyone would want to lead a life pleasing to God. To be honest, i dont think i have ever been asked that question before or have actually taken time to think about it. The question stumped me. All i could say was that, that was how i was raised my whole life and that God sent his only son to die on the cross for my sins so that I could be in heaven and that the least i could do was live a life pleasing to Him for the grace he has shown me. Typical churchy answer. I felt terrible for not being about to come up with anything else. Ive been a Christian my whole life, gone on mission trips, given my testimony, been baptized and yet one question totally caught me off guard. It made me realize that maybe im not as close with God as i thought i was. Have i just been putting on a front for everyone else? I want to think i havent but maybe i have? well, its time to change that and break away from all that lukewarm crap. I dont just want to go through the motions, i dont want to just run to God when i need Him or when its good for me. SO by admitting this, im taking my first step in breaking them stupid chains that are keeping me from the relationship that i deserve, scratch that, the relationship that i WANT to have with God...
Thats all i feel like talking about for today. Not much else to say. Lifes crazy, totally sucks sometimes but hey, no one ever said it would be easy.
"You gotta take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, things go wrong, just remember life goes on!" I dont know who said this but i like it. Figured i would share it!
well time to do some more homework!
Peaces!
-em
Love you Samantha Rae! With all my heart! I know youre having a blast right now chillin with Jesus! and with that thought, i smile(: love you woman!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
im trying...its just not working...
today i decided i was going to have a good day. after a good talk with one of my amazing friends last night and a good night of sleep, i figured, "hey, i deserve a good day and today is that day!"
Well, that just didnt happen. no matter how hard i tried. today sucks. I just want to be at work now. I dont want to be here.
I get into my philosophy class this morning and my Professor tells me that today might be hard for me with everything thats happened...well he wasnt kidding. We were discussing death and yeah...so so hard to fight back the tears...then got into my economics class and asked about the grade I got on the test that i had to make up due to the fact that i was not in class because Sam died. well, i studied my butt of for that test. did all the extra credit i could. re-read all the chapters, Brandon even helped me study late into the night and after all that, still got a freaking 58%. awesome. now i have a D in the class because we never do homework its just all test grades. How am i supposed to get my grade up with the next test and then pass the final and get at least a low C in the class? If i dont get a C, i can lose my scholarship and will have to pay it back...lovely. just what i need.
It feels like bad things just keep happening. will this ever stop? I just want to have one good day. Is that so hard to ask for? I know im just whining and complaining but this is getting a lil ridiculous. Just makes me wanna scream.
I feel so stupid for getting upset over this, i mean this is nothing compared to what other people have to go through. but, it just sucks. Wish i could just rewind a few months, go back to when things were good, when Sam was still here and i could spend time with her. sadly i cant.
peaces!
-em
Well, that just didnt happen. no matter how hard i tried. today sucks. I just want to be at work now. I dont want to be here.
I get into my philosophy class this morning and my Professor tells me that today might be hard for me with everything thats happened...well he wasnt kidding. We were discussing death and yeah...so so hard to fight back the tears...then got into my economics class and asked about the grade I got on the test that i had to make up due to the fact that i was not in class because Sam died. well, i studied my butt of for that test. did all the extra credit i could. re-read all the chapters, Brandon even helped me study late into the night and after all that, still got a freaking 58%. awesome. now i have a D in the class because we never do homework its just all test grades. How am i supposed to get my grade up with the next test and then pass the final and get at least a low C in the class? If i dont get a C, i can lose my scholarship and will have to pay it back...lovely. just what i need.
It feels like bad things just keep happening. will this ever stop? I just want to have one good day. Is that so hard to ask for? I know im just whining and complaining but this is getting a lil ridiculous. Just makes me wanna scream.
I feel so stupid for getting upset over this, i mean this is nothing compared to what other people have to go through. but, it just sucks. Wish i could just rewind a few months, go back to when things were good, when Sam was still here and i could spend time with her. sadly i cant.
peaces!
-em
Sunday, April 17, 2011
if heaven wasnt so far away....
some days are good...some days are bad....some are a mix of both. Today was one of those.
Didnt sleep more than maybe 2 hours last night. just wasnt happening. Instead i filled that lonely time with skypeing a friend and a movie marathon. Good way to get the mind distracted!
Church was great today. Love working with 5th and 6th graders. They amaze me all the time. Then baptisms at church. God is good! Then, watched my big brother play up on stage. Miss seeing that. Got big hugs and love from him afterward. Just what i needed. Love my family.
The days are getting easier for me to get through. The nights, not so much. Some times i can actually get sleep but most of the time its only an hour or two. Just enough to get me through the day. I close my eyes and i see her laying there, in her casket. Her make up is done just the way she used to do it, shes wearing the heart necklace that she loved, shes rockin her Lady Gaga t-shirt she got from the concert. You can just see the peacefulness on her face. But then that turns into the reoccurring nightmare that shes no longer here with me. And the thought of sleep disappears and the heart ache comes back. I dont know if that image will ever go away. but i dont think i want it to. SHe looks so happy and peaceful...
I listen to the song your brother played at your funeral, every morning and night. (Angel of Mercy by Foghat) You loved music so much. From Brittany Spears to Pat Benatar to Foghat and Lady Gaga. Girl you loved it all. I remember when i came to visit you when you were living in Bagdad, we totally rocked out in the car to all your awesome music. Pretty much anything i listen to reminds me of you. I think thats why i love music so much..
Ugh, Sam i just wish you were here. I miss you so much. I remember in the last letter i wrote to you i was tellin you how proud i was for how strong you were. ANd how you werent giving up. You amazed me. "Never Lose Heart" Girl, you definitely lived that way! You never gave up, you were a fighter. I felt so stupid when i got stressed over my little problems while you were fighting for your life ever day. I strive to be more like you every day, your strength when times were hard and scary. Like i said, you amazed me. I dont know how you did it. But, im still so proud of you. Not once did you give up. I just love you so much Sam.
Just too soon. tooooooo soon. Apparently God thought it was your time, but i dunno. I guess He just had to have someone as amazing as you by His side, which duh! Who wouldnt? Thats understandable but still sucks.
Miss you babe, terribly!
love you to pieces!
-em
Didnt sleep more than maybe 2 hours last night. just wasnt happening. Instead i filled that lonely time with skypeing a friend and a movie marathon. Good way to get the mind distracted!
Church was great today. Love working with 5th and 6th graders. They amaze me all the time. Then baptisms at church. God is good! Then, watched my big brother play up on stage. Miss seeing that. Got big hugs and love from him afterward. Just what i needed. Love my family.
The days are getting easier for me to get through. The nights, not so much. Some times i can actually get sleep but most of the time its only an hour or two. Just enough to get me through the day. I close my eyes and i see her laying there, in her casket. Her make up is done just the way she used to do it, shes wearing the heart necklace that she loved, shes rockin her Lady Gaga t-shirt she got from the concert. You can just see the peacefulness on her face. But then that turns into the reoccurring nightmare that shes no longer here with me. And the thought of sleep disappears and the heart ache comes back. I dont know if that image will ever go away. but i dont think i want it to. SHe looks so happy and peaceful...
I listen to the song your brother played at your funeral, every morning and night. (Angel of Mercy by Foghat) You loved music so much. From Brittany Spears to Pat Benatar to Foghat and Lady Gaga. Girl you loved it all. I remember when i came to visit you when you were living in Bagdad, we totally rocked out in the car to all your awesome music. Pretty much anything i listen to reminds me of you. I think thats why i love music so much..
Ugh, Sam i just wish you were here. I miss you so much. I remember in the last letter i wrote to you i was tellin you how proud i was for how strong you were. ANd how you werent giving up. You amazed me. "Never Lose Heart" Girl, you definitely lived that way! You never gave up, you were a fighter. I felt so stupid when i got stressed over my little problems while you were fighting for your life ever day. I strive to be more like you every day, your strength when times were hard and scary. Like i said, you amazed me. I dont know how you did it. But, im still so proud of you. Not once did you give up. I just love you so much Sam.
Just too soon. tooooooo soon. Apparently God thought it was your time, but i dunno. I guess He just had to have someone as amazing as you by His side, which duh! Who wouldnt? Thats understandable but still sucks.
Miss you babe, terribly!
love you to pieces!
-em
When im gone...
"an when im gone, just carry on, dont mourn rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice. Just know that im lookin down on you smiling, and i didnt feel a thing so baby dont feel no pain just smile back..."-eminem.
Who would have thought that an Eminem song would get me through this. But, ive been singing this all day long. It gives me hope i guess or quiets the pain for a little bit.
Finally got some sleep yesterday, after a nice long phone call from a friend to get my mind off things before bed and some medicine did the trick. Slept for almost 11 hours!!! This may sound stupid, but sleeping with Sam's old teddy bear really helps too...And my 11 hours of sleep were actually peaceful, no bad dreams just sleep. It was just what i needed.
Then today was going great until i cleaned my room. I found all the notes we wrote back in forth in high school, found the house key you guys gave me since i was over so much and watched the dogs all the time, found our old t shirts from the trips we went on, the wiener dog salt and pepper shakers that you got me... Finding all of these brought back good memories with you Sam, made me smile and even laugh, but then the pain crept in. the fact that i cant make anymore memories with you...Im tired of crying, im tired of being so weak and feeling helpless. just wish that would all go away! I go to text you, thinking that maybe, just maybe you will text back and tell me its going to be ok....
so here i sit, after a rough day, crying softly and thinking about the good times we had wishing i could go back just for a little bit to see you one more time. miss you girl. so much.
on a happy not, my dad came home early and surprised me! he wasnt supposed to get here till wednesday but SURPRISE! its good to have him back, i need my dad right now.
well, time to watch movies until its time for church tomorrow, well i guess later today! Cant wait to watch my brother play up on stage, i miss seeing that!
peaces!
-em
Who would have thought that an Eminem song would get me through this. But, ive been singing this all day long. It gives me hope i guess or quiets the pain for a little bit.
Finally got some sleep yesterday, after a nice long phone call from a friend to get my mind off things before bed and some medicine did the trick. Slept for almost 11 hours!!! This may sound stupid, but sleeping with Sam's old teddy bear really helps too...And my 11 hours of sleep were actually peaceful, no bad dreams just sleep. It was just what i needed.
Then today was going great until i cleaned my room. I found all the notes we wrote back in forth in high school, found the house key you guys gave me since i was over so much and watched the dogs all the time, found our old t shirts from the trips we went on, the wiener dog salt and pepper shakers that you got me... Finding all of these brought back good memories with you Sam, made me smile and even laugh, but then the pain crept in. the fact that i cant make anymore memories with you...Im tired of crying, im tired of being so weak and feeling helpless. just wish that would all go away! I go to text you, thinking that maybe, just maybe you will text back and tell me its going to be ok....
so here i sit, after a rough day, crying softly and thinking about the good times we had wishing i could go back just for a little bit to see you one more time. miss you girl. so much.
on a happy not, my dad came home early and surprised me! he wasnt supposed to get here till wednesday but SURPRISE! its good to have him back, i need my dad right now.
well, time to watch movies until its time for church tomorrow, well i guess later today! Cant wait to watch my brother play up on stage, i miss seeing that!
peaces!
-em
Friday, April 15, 2011
happy or sad?
so its been a week now...still not able to sleep. dont really eat much. I miss you Sam so much. During the day im fine, i can put on the fake act so people dont ask about it, but when night time rolls around, the pain and hurting start to creep in on me.
You were too young. I re-read the letter i just got from you every day. You were talking about getting better and how we were going to have our girls day soon...im so sorry i didnt get a letter back to you in time, i feel absolutely terrible for that. :/
i still cant believe youre gone. i dont know when that will ever set in...
during the day, i dont know whether to be happy or sad. Whenever i find myself smiling or being happy, i feel bad. I cant be happy right now, i shouldnt be. but then, you wouldnt want me to be sad and depressed all the time. its a lose lose for me. i dont know what to do. :/ I just wish you were here..wish i could talk to you one more time, wish i could hug you again. I need my Samantha Rae...
You were too young. I re-read the letter i just got from you every day. You were talking about getting better and how we were going to have our girls day soon...im so sorry i didnt get a letter back to you in time, i feel absolutely terrible for that. :/
i still cant believe youre gone. i dont know when that will ever set in...
during the day, i dont know whether to be happy or sad. Whenever i find myself smiling or being happy, i feel bad. I cant be happy right now, i shouldnt be. but then, you wouldnt want me to be sad and depressed all the time. its a lose lose for me. i dont know what to do. :/ I just wish you were here..wish i could talk to you one more time, wish i could hug you again. I need my Samantha Rae...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
friends, heart ache, peace, love, anger, laughter...
April 13th- the day of Sams funeral. Never in my life did i think i would attend my best friends funeral at this young age. definitely by far the hardest day of my life. Didnt sleep at all the day prior, i felt as if i just never closed my eyes, the day wouldnt come. Unfortunately it did and to be honest I feel a little better. I was definitely dreading going today, but i am glad i did.
Pretty much cried the entire time, but mixed in with those tears was laughter and love shared by my close friends and Sams family. It was hard to see mom and dad, I cant imagine the pain that their hearts are going through. A father should never have to speak at his daughters funeral...please keep them in your prayers...
In this time of mourning, we all remembered the good days. We shared our favorite memories, silly stories and we were just there for each other.
Taylor: i love you so much, we have so many good memories with Sammy (the red horned man! hes real!!) im so thankful to have you in my life, couldnt get through this without you!!
Kelly: babe, ive missed you. weve had our moments, but girl i love you. Im so glad how close we have come amongst all the heart ache. I am always here for you no matter what. (That goes for you too taylor!!)
Jess: same goes for you woman!!! I love you so much! im so glad we have each other to get through this. weve just gotta remember the good times! cause we got a butt load of them to choose from!!
and just to let you three amazing women know, you are STUCK with me! there is no way that youre gettin rid of me. Friends always and forever!
Sam, you may be gone but you are definitely not forgotten. "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only a true friend will leave footprints on your heart."-Eleanore Roosevelt. You have definitely left many footprints on my heart. You were and always will be my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime...love you woman.
I miss you. i miss your laugh, i miss your smile, i miss all the good times. but, you are in a better place. I may never know why God decided it was your time to go, but i cant wait to see you again! Im so glad you are no longer in pain, and you can finally find peace. I still have all the letters we wrote back and forth to each other. I am NEVER getting rid of them.
Today was definitely rough, i am still shocked and have yet to really take it all in. Im still waiting to get a phone call from you saying that everything is ok, and this was just a misunderstanding. unfortunately thats not the case. Its going to take time to heal, but the process has definitely started. As much as today hurt, its just what i needed. The peacefulness on your face brought a smile to mine.
If you didnt know, Sam loved animals. She had tons and tons of stuffed animals that each had their own name and story behind them. We spent many hours playing veterinarian with her animals. Her amazing parents brought them to the funeral today and let us each pick one to take home.
Well i chose the cute lil black bear you named Blacky(: Sam, me and you loved this bear! I still remember, we were visiting your mom at work and we saw the bear there and fell in love. So she got us each one. We sure loved those bears..
Id be lying if i said i was doing ok, im definitely not. Im still hurting, but thats just going to take time. Its hard to sleep at night (hence the blog posts at like 1am) im still angry with God for taking my best friend from me, but eventually things will get easier, until then, please just pray for me and my heart as well as Sams family.
Thank you.
-em
Pretty much cried the entire time, but mixed in with those tears was laughter and love shared by my close friends and Sams family. It was hard to see mom and dad, I cant imagine the pain that their hearts are going through. A father should never have to speak at his daughters funeral...please keep them in your prayers...
In this time of mourning, we all remembered the good days. We shared our favorite memories, silly stories and we were just there for each other.
Taylor: i love you so much, we have so many good memories with Sammy (the red horned man! hes real!!) im so thankful to have you in my life, couldnt get through this without you!!
Kelly: babe, ive missed you. weve had our moments, but girl i love you. Im so glad how close we have come amongst all the heart ache. I am always here for you no matter what. (That goes for you too taylor!!)
Jess: same goes for you woman!!! I love you so much! im so glad we have each other to get through this. weve just gotta remember the good times! cause we got a butt load of them to choose from!!
and just to let you three amazing women know, you are STUCK with me! there is no way that youre gettin rid of me. Friends always and forever!
Sam, you may be gone but you are definitely not forgotten. "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only a true friend will leave footprints on your heart."-Eleanore Roosevelt. You have definitely left many footprints on my heart. You were and always will be my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime...love you woman.
I miss you. i miss your laugh, i miss your smile, i miss all the good times. but, you are in a better place. I may never know why God decided it was your time to go, but i cant wait to see you again! Im so glad you are no longer in pain, and you can finally find peace. I still have all the letters we wrote back and forth to each other. I am NEVER getting rid of them.
Today was definitely rough, i am still shocked and have yet to really take it all in. Im still waiting to get a phone call from you saying that everything is ok, and this was just a misunderstanding. unfortunately thats not the case. Its going to take time to heal, but the process has definitely started. As much as today hurt, its just what i needed. The peacefulness on your face brought a smile to mine.
If you didnt know, Sam loved animals. She had tons and tons of stuffed animals that each had their own name and story behind them. We spent many hours playing veterinarian with her animals. Her amazing parents brought them to the funeral today and let us each pick one to take home.
Well i chose the cute lil black bear you named Blacky(: Sam, me and you loved this bear! I still remember, we were visiting your mom at work and we saw the bear there and fell in love. So she got us each one. We sure loved those bears..
Id be lying if i said i was doing ok, im definitely not. Im still hurting, but thats just going to take time. Its hard to sleep at night (hence the blog posts at like 1am) im still angry with God for taking my best friend from me, but eventually things will get easier, until then, please just pray for me and my heart as well as Sams family.
Thank you.
-em
LOVE YOU SAM! ALWAYS AND FOREVER!
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