crash and burn.

today was another one of those good days that fails to finish strong. pretty much full on crash and burn.

my day was great. got a bunch of stuff done. had a wonderful time with the kiddos at work and then came home and blehhh. everything just fell apart. its always back to "reality" when i get home. walking into the living room and seeing all the moving boxes. walking into my room and seeing the blank walls with boxes stacked next to them. seeing the pictures of me and Sam strung across my curtain rod. coming back to reality sucks.

"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you cant see her,
or it can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and lose your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she's want:
smile. open your eyes. love and go on."-David Harkins

its been 46 days now since i lost my best friend to cancer. the days and nights are much easier than before. still struggle every now and then as you can see. its hard when i drive past Sams old house that we shared so many memories in every single day. another constant reminder.

my girls and I are going up to her house in Kirkland next weekend. not gonna lie, im definitely not ready for that. not one bit. mom an dad have stuff that they want us to have. :/ goodness, thats gonna be hard. gonna go visit Sam before we head back home. just thinking about it now hurts. please keep us in your prayers. i know none of us are ready for Saturday. yeah, were all excited to go up there and see mom and dad and talk about all the good times, but were all terrified at the same time.

ugh. it just makes me so mad thinking about Sam sometimes. like why the heck did God have to take her?? why did He feel that now was the best time??? She was soooo young. Life was just beginning! She was starting to get better. I literally had just gotten her letter a few days before, everything was fine. I didnt even get the chance to write back...It just doesnt make sense at all.

i just miss her..never thought i would have to deal with this. never thought i would have to attend my best friends funeral this young. never thought i would lose her..dumb.

thats all.
peaces!
-em

mixed emotions.

New Mexico? moving? leaving the place ive lived my entire life? saying goodbye? no thank you....maybe....i dunno...okay...

Now that this semester is over, time to start preparing for this coming fall semester....at New Mexico State University. For the past couple years, NMSU has been the dream. Ive talked about going there since like freshman year. But now that its actually happening is freaking me out. It was so easy to talk about it and be ok with leaving when it was 4 years away, 3 years away but now that its like 3 months away, its crazy..and ive definitely got mixed emotions about it. I know im going, i want to go but i dont want to have to say goodbye to everything here...

I started packing up my room yesterday. I have 4 categories, stuff im taking to my doorm, stuff im pitting in storage, stuff im taking to the house in NM and stuff im throwing away or getting rid of. I never thought how depressing packing would be. I find myself just sitting on my floor, staring at the empty walls thinking about all the memories ive had not only in my room but in my house. most depressing thing ever. i even told myself that i wasnt going to NMSU anymore, its just too hard. But, its what i really want to do, even though its going to suck for a bit.

life right now seems to be moving at super speed, not stopping for anything. Im going away to school. my parents are moving to NM. my brother is going off to NAU. my first year of college is complete. i leave for africa in like 18 days. everything is just going so fast. Sometimes i wish i could just pause it so i can stop and actually enjoy the day, instead of worrying about what i didnt get done, or what i need to do the next day. Summer is supposed to be fun, exciting, time to hang out with your friends and enjoy life not stress out about leaving your friends and pretty much your whole life for a brand new start. which im excited for yet scared outta my mind!!!

the only good thing about all this stress, is that it keeps my mind off of other things, like those stupid thoughts that pretty much torture myself. like how i didnt spend nearly enough time with Sam. how selfish i was that i didnt visit her in the hospital as much as i could because i was scared. thats the worst one. i put my feelings before hers. i was scared? who cares. she was scared! and she needed me. but, "im not supposed to think that way" an yada yada yada.

lifes just crazy!!! you gotta strap in and hang on for the roller coaster ride. but dont forget to throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it every now and then. you deserve it.

“A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose – a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve.”~ John Maxwell

that is all!
peaces!
-em

strength to face the day.

"If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes..."- Corrie TenBoom

"You, O Lord keep my lamp burning;
My God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
With my God i can scale a wall.

As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is FLAWLESS.
He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock besides our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn...."
Psalm 18 : 28-36

The one thing that i know i need to stay strong in is my faith. But, lately thats been really hard. I already felt distant from God before Sam passed. Ive been struggling with Him for a while now. But, even though im struggling, i still try and read His word as much as i can. It really does help even though i may not be as close as I want to be with God. Its going to take some time but, passages like this one and the one below give me the strength i need to face the day. they give me hope that even though im not where i want to be with God right now, Hes still there walking with me, helping me, strengthening me, loving me and Hes never leaving.

"Praise be to the Lord,
for He has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.."
Psalm 28 : 6-7

thats all.
peaces!
-em

when youre broken...

well, i took my own advice about not always having to be strong and broke down tonight. What set it off was driving down Gilbert road tonight and passing by Joe's BBQ. Started ballin like a baby. the car next to me probably thought i was crazy or something. Joe's BBQ was one of Sams favorite places to eat and the last time i went there was with her and her family after she had come down for one of her chemo treatments when she was getting better..... Id give anything to go back to that day.

Then i started thinking about Sams parents. Sunday was mothers day. I cant even imagine how much her moms heart was aching. It breaks my heart just thinking about that. No mom should have to deal with that pain. Its just not fair. Sunday, i over heard one of our pastors say that our pain isnt wasted. I know that without a doubt, but i couldnt help but think to myself, "yeah, well you go tell that to Sam's parents and see how that goes." Its just been really hard lately to actually believe these things in my heart. I can say it, i can read it, i can hear it but that doesnt mean i feel that way in my heart. I want to feel that way, i really do i just dont know how....

another song that ive been listening to lately is "Broken" by Lindsey Haun. Its from the movie Broken Bridges. (great movie) Its pretty much how may good days go, starts off great then bam! something ruins it and like ive said before, my good days just dont finish strong. But here are some of the lyrics...

"Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky
Then it starts to rain, my defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around, so open and exposed
I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking"

I love the part where it says, "every tear falls down for a reason" an the last part "no matter how much your heart is aching, there is beauty in the breaking" God doesnt waste pain, He uses it and makes something beautiful out of it. So right now, im just waiting for my "something beautiful"

Love you Sam. always and forever.
time to go study for my econ final...woo

-em

stay strong?

Within the last month or two, lifes thrown me some pretty wicked curve balls. The main one obviously being the death of my best friend. and through all of that everyone kept telling me to stay strong emilie! be strong! gotta just stay strong! Well, i've come to realize that, staying strong isnt always what you need.

Recently, God has placed a very amazing girl into my life, Kadee. She has been a huge support in getting me through the hard times. and she was the one who first made me realize that, its ok to admit that youre not strong enough, its ok to cry, its ok to let other people be strong for you. She told me about a song by Matthew West called Strong Enough. Listen to it, its so much better to hear it than to just read the lyrics, but im putting them in here anyways....

"You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us..."

then later he goes on to say,

"You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough..."

his song says it all. We dont have to be strong enough. We dont have to keep pretending like we have got it all together. Its ok to let people know youre really not alright. And for me to admit that is saying a WHOLE lot!!! So guys, realize that im still not fine. Im not strong enough but i will get through this, with help from God of course and you guys!!

And with that being said, we gotta be strong for Kadee. Shes going through a rough time right now, her and her family really need your prayers!!

looks bad but oh well, just a sharpie and some cardboard. but i like it.
"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength."Philippians 4:13
See, God doesn't expect us to be like super hero's with super strength, He wants us to come to Him. He wants us to know that He is here for us and He loves us.

thank you!
-peaces!
-em

Its like my eyelids are glued to the top of my forehead...

hello there!!

i dont even know where to begin....its been like a month now since i lost Sam. sleep has yet to be consistent for me. i just lay there. eyes wide open. thinking. thinking about the good times with Sam. thinking about the times i wasnt able to be there and keep her company in the hospital and how much i would give to go back and relive those days. thinking about the last time she came down to visit. thinking about the letter i got a few days before she passed. thinking about how peaceful she looked at her memorial. thinking about how she is up in heaven now, chillin with Jesus. just thinking. my mind wont let me sleep.

the days are getting easier. My good days are starting to over take the bad ones. but every now and then the bad ones kinda just sneak up on me and BAM! ruin everything. stupid bad days. but those are to be expected i guess.

earlier today while out drivin, i was thinkin about the day of Sams memorial. during her service, they had a time when we were allowed to stand and share a favorite memory we had with Sam. well, seeing as how i was balling my eyes out, i was unable to share one of my favorite memories wither her. i really wanted to so now ill share it on here. It was way back when we were probably in like 5th or 6th grade and it was during one of the awesome summer trips her family let me come on. Sam loved roller coasters and scary rides so she loved going to theme parks. Pretty sure we were at Knottsberry farms and she wanted to go on the drop ride but i was too scared. She begged me to go on it with her so i gave in and said yes. When we got on the ride, the side that we were on only had the two of us on it. The whole time while we were going up to the top, Sam and I were freaking out! we kept saying we loved each other and that if one of us died we would get each others stuffed animals and stuff like that. then we finally got to the top, we were holding hands so tight that our knuckles were white and BAM!! we dropped! and on the whole way down we screamed our heads off and laughed. It was so much fun. I can still remember her face, she had the biggest smile and was just so happy. When we got off, we rode it like 4 more times. thats just one of my favorite memories of Sam.

I wish you all could have met her. She was amazing. The best-EST friend anyone could ever ask for.

Sam, if there are rollercoasters in heaven, save me a seat!

peaces!
-em

"No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through the tears...." Love you Sam.