when youre broken...

well, i took my own advice about not always having to be strong and broke down tonight. What set it off was driving down Gilbert road tonight and passing by Joe's BBQ. Started ballin like a baby. the car next to me probably thought i was crazy or something. Joe's BBQ was one of Sams favorite places to eat and the last time i went there was with her and her family after she had come down for one of her chemo treatments when she was getting better..... Id give anything to go back to that day.

Then i started thinking about Sams parents. Sunday was mothers day. I cant even imagine how much her moms heart was aching. It breaks my heart just thinking about that. No mom should have to deal with that pain. Its just not fair. Sunday, i over heard one of our pastors say that our pain isnt wasted. I know that without a doubt, but i couldnt help but think to myself, "yeah, well you go tell that to Sam's parents and see how that goes." Its just been really hard lately to actually believe these things in my heart. I can say it, i can read it, i can hear it but that doesnt mean i feel that way in my heart. I want to feel that way, i really do i just dont know how....

another song that ive been listening to lately is "Broken" by Lindsey Haun. Its from the movie Broken Bridges. (great movie) Its pretty much how may good days go, starts off great then bam! something ruins it and like ive said before, my good days just dont finish strong. But here are some of the lyrics...

"Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky
Then it starts to rain, my defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around, so open and exposed
I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking"

I love the part where it says, "every tear falls down for a reason" an the last part "no matter how much your heart is aching, there is beauty in the breaking" God doesnt waste pain, He uses it and makes something beautiful out of it. So right now, im just waiting for my "something beautiful"

Love you Sam. always and forever.
time to go study for my econ final...woo

-em