some days are good...some days are bad....some are a mix of both. Today was one of those.
Didnt sleep more than maybe 2 hours last night. just wasnt happening. Instead i filled that lonely time with skypeing a friend and a movie marathon. Good way to get the mind distracted!
Church was great today. Love working with 5th and 6th graders. They amaze me all the time. Then baptisms at church. God is good! Then, watched my big brother play up on stage. Miss seeing that. Got big hugs and love from him afterward. Just what i needed. Love my family.
The days are getting easier for me to get through. The nights, not so much. Some times i can actually get sleep but most of the time its only an hour or two. Just enough to get me through the day. I close my eyes and i see her laying there, in her casket. Her make up is done just the way she used to do it, shes wearing the heart necklace that she loved, shes rockin her Lady Gaga t-shirt she got from the concert. You can just see the peacefulness on her face. But then that turns into the reoccurring nightmare that shes no longer here with me. And the thought of sleep disappears and the heart ache comes back. I dont know if that image will ever go away. but i dont think i want it to. SHe looks so happy and peaceful...
I listen to the song your brother played at your funeral, every morning and night. (Angel of Mercy by Foghat) You loved music so much. From Brittany Spears to Pat Benatar to Foghat and Lady Gaga. Girl you loved it all. I remember when i came to visit you when you were living in Bagdad, we totally rocked out in the car to all your awesome music. Pretty much anything i listen to reminds me of you. I think thats why i love music so much..
Ugh, Sam i just wish you were here. I miss you so much. I remember in the last letter i wrote to you i was tellin you how proud i was for how strong you were. ANd how you werent giving up. You amazed me. "Never Lose Heart" Girl, you definitely lived that way! You never gave up, you were a fighter. I felt so stupid when i got stressed over my little problems while you were fighting for your life ever day. I strive to be more like you every day, your strength when times were hard and scary. Like i said, you amazed me. I dont know how you did it. But, im still so proud of you. Not once did you give up. I just love you so much Sam.
Just too soon. tooooooo soon. Apparently God thought it was your time, but i dunno. I guess He just had to have someone as amazing as you by His side, which duh! Who wouldnt? Thats understandable but still sucks.
Miss you babe, terribly!
love you to pieces!
-em
Sunday, April 17, 2011
When im gone...
"an when im gone, just carry on, dont mourn rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice. Just know that im lookin down on you smiling, and i didnt feel a thing so baby dont feel no pain just smile back..."-eminem.
Who would have thought that an Eminem song would get me through this. But, ive been singing this all day long. It gives me hope i guess or quiets the pain for a little bit.
Finally got some sleep yesterday, after a nice long phone call from a friend to get my mind off things before bed and some medicine did the trick. Slept for almost 11 hours!!! This may sound stupid, but sleeping with Sam's old teddy bear really helps too...And my 11 hours of sleep were actually peaceful, no bad dreams just sleep. It was just what i needed.
Then today was going great until i cleaned my room. I found all the notes we wrote back in forth in high school, found the house key you guys gave me since i was over so much and watched the dogs all the time, found our old t shirts from the trips we went on, the wiener dog salt and pepper shakers that you got me... Finding all of these brought back good memories with you Sam, made me smile and even laugh, but then the pain crept in. the fact that i cant make anymore memories with you...Im tired of crying, im tired of being so weak and feeling helpless. just wish that would all go away! I go to text you, thinking that maybe, just maybe you will text back and tell me its going to be ok....
so here i sit, after a rough day, crying softly and thinking about the good times we had wishing i could go back just for a little bit to see you one more time. miss you girl. so much.
on a happy not, my dad came home early and surprised me! he wasnt supposed to get here till wednesday but SURPRISE! its good to have him back, i need my dad right now.
well, time to watch movies until its time for church tomorrow, well i guess later today! Cant wait to watch my brother play up on stage, i miss seeing that!
peaces!
-em
Who would have thought that an Eminem song would get me through this. But, ive been singing this all day long. It gives me hope i guess or quiets the pain for a little bit.
Finally got some sleep yesterday, after a nice long phone call from a friend to get my mind off things before bed and some medicine did the trick. Slept for almost 11 hours!!! This may sound stupid, but sleeping with Sam's old teddy bear really helps too...And my 11 hours of sleep were actually peaceful, no bad dreams just sleep. It was just what i needed.
Then today was going great until i cleaned my room. I found all the notes we wrote back in forth in high school, found the house key you guys gave me since i was over so much and watched the dogs all the time, found our old t shirts from the trips we went on, the wiener dog salt and pepper shakers that you got me... Finding all of these brought back good memories with you Sam, made me smile and even laugh, but then the pain crept in. the fact that i cant make anymore memories with you...Im tired of crying, im tired of being so weak and feeling helpless. just wish that would all go away! I go to text you, thinking that maybe, just maybe you will text back and tell me its going to be ok....
so here i sit, after a rough day, crying softly and thinking about the good times we had wishing i could go back just for a little bit to see you one more time. miss you girl. so much.
on a happy not, my dad came home early and surprised me! he wasnt supposed to get here till wednesday but SURPRISE! its good to have him back, i need my dad right now.
well, time to watch movies until its time for church tomorrow, well i guess later today! Cant wait to watch my brother play up on stage, i miss seeing that!
peaces!
-em
Friday, April 15, 2011
happy or sad?
so its been a week now...still not able to sleep. dont really eat much. I miss you Sam so much. During the day im fine, i can put on the fake act so people dont ask about it, but when night time rolls around, the pain and hurting start to creep in on me.
You were too young. I re-read the letter i just got from you every day. You were talking about getting better and how we were going to have our girls day soon...im so sorry i didnt get a letter back to you in time, i feel absolutely terrible for that. :/
i still cant believe youre gone. i dont know when that will ever set in...
during the day, i dont know whether to be happy or sad. Whenever i find myself smiling or being happy, i feel bad. I cant be happy right now, i shouldnt be. but then, you wouldnt want me to be sad and depressed all the time. its a lose lose for me. i dont know what to do. :/ I just wish you were here..wish i could talk to you one more time, wish i could hug you again. I need my Samantha Rae...
You were too young. I re-read the letter i just got from you every day. You were talking about getting better and how we were going to have our girls day soon...im so sorry i didnt get a letter back to you in time, i feel absolutely terrible for that. :/
i still cant believe youre gone. i dont know when that will ever set in...
during the day, i dont know whether to be happy or sad. Whenever i find myself smiling or being happy, i feel bad. I cant be happy right now, i shouldnt be. but then, you wouldnt want me to be sad and depressed all the time. its a lose lose for me. i dont know what to do. :/ I just wish you were here..wish i could talk to you one more time, wish i could hug you again. I need my Samantha Rae...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
friends, heart ache, peace, love, anger, laughter...
April 13th- the day of Sams funeral. Never in my life did i think i would attend my best friends funeral at this young age. definitely by far the hardest day of my life. Didnt sleep at all the day prior, i felt as if i just never closed my eyes, the day wouldnt come. Unfortunately it did and to be honest I feel a little better. I was definitely dreading going today, but i am glad i did.
Pretty much cried the entire time, but mixed in with those tears was laughter and love shared by my close friends and Sams family. It was hard to see mom and dad, I cant imagine the pain that their hearts are going through. A father should never have to speak at his daughters funeral...please keep them in your prayers...
In this time of mourning, we all remembered the good days. We shared our favorite memories, silly stories and we were just there for each other.
Taylor: i love you so much, we have so many good memories with Sammy (the red horned man! hes real!!) im so thankful to have you in my life, couldnt get through this without you!!
Kelly: babe, ive missed you. weve had our moments, but girl i love you. Im so glad how close we have come amongst all the heart ache. I am always here for you no matter what. (That goes for you too taylor!!)
Jess: same goes for you woman!!! I love you so much! im so glad we have each other to get through this. weve just gotta remember the good times! cause we got a butt load of them to choose from!!
and just to let you three amazing women know, you are STUCK with me! there is no way that youre gettin rid of me. Friends always and forever!
Sam, you may be gone but you are definitely not forgotten. "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only a true friend will leave footprints on your heart."-Eleanore Roosevelt. You have definitely left many footprints on my heart. You were and always will be my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime...love you woman.
I miss you. i miss your laugh, i miss your smile, i miss all the good times. but, you are in a better place. I may never know why God decided it was your time to go, but i cant wait to see you again! Im so glad you are no longer in pain, and you can finally find peace. I still have all the letters we wrote back and forth to each other. I am NEVER getting rid of them.
Today was definitely rough, i am still shocked and have yet to really take it all in. Im still waiting to get a phone call from you saying that everything is ok, and this was just a misunderstanding. unfortunately thats not the case. Its going to take time to heal, but the process has definitely started. As much as today hurt, its just what i needed. The peacefulness on your face brought a smile to mine.
If you didnt know, Sam loved animals. She had tons and tons of stuffed animals that each had their own name and story behind them. We spent many hours playing veterinarian with her animals. Her amazing parents brought them to the funeral today and let us each pick one to take home.
Well i chose the cute lil black bear you named Blacky(: Sam, me and you loved this bear! I still remember, we were visiting your mom at work and we saw the bear there and fell in love. So she got us each one. We sure loved those bears..
Id be lying if i said i was doing ok, im definitely not. Im still hurting, but thats just going to take time. Its hard to sleep at night (hence the blog posts at like 1am) im still angry with God for taking my best friend from me, but eventually things will get easier, until then, please just pray for me and my heart as well as Sams family.
Thank you.
-em
Pretty much cried the entire time, but mixed in with those tears was laughter and love shared by my close friends and Sams family. It was hard to see mom and dad, I cant imagine the pain that their hearts are going through. A father should never have to speak at his daughters funeral...please keep them in your prayers...
In this time of mourning, we all remembered the good days. We shared our favorite memories, silly stories and we were just there for each other.
Taylor: i love you so much, we have so many good memories with Sammy (the red horned man! hes real!!) im so thankful to have you in my life, couldnt get through this without you!!
Kelly: babe, ive missed you. weve had our moments, but girl i love you. Im so glad how close we have come amongst all the heart ache. I am always here for you no matter what. (That goes for you too taylor!!)
Jess: same goes for you woman!!! I love you so much! im so glad we have each other to get through this. weve just gotta remember the good times! cause we got a butt load of them to choose from!!
and just to let you three amazing women know, you are STUCK with me! there is no way that youre gettin rid of me. Friends always and forever!
Sam, you may be gone but you are definitely not forgotten. "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only a true friend will leave footprints on your heart."-Eleanore Roosevelt. You have definitely left many footprints on my heart. You were and always will be my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime...love you woman.
I miss you. i miss your laugh, i miss your smile, i miss all the good times. but, you are in a better place. I may never know why God decided it was your time to go, but i cant wait to see you again! Im so glad you are no longer in pain, and you can finally find peace. I still have all the letters we wrote back and forth to each other. I am NEVER getting rid of them.
Today was definitely rough, i am still shocked and have yet to really take it all in. Im still waiting to get a phone call from you saying that everything is ok, and this was just a misunderstanding. unfortunately thats not the case. Its going to take time to heal, but the process has definitely started. As much as today hurt, its just what i needed. The peacefulness on your face brought a smile to mine.
If you didnt know, Sam loved animals. She had tons and tons of stuffed animals that each had their own name and story behind them. We spent many hours playing veterinarian with her animals. Her amazing parents brought them to the funeral today and let us each pick one to take home.
Well i chose the cute lil black bear you named Blacky(: Sam, me and you loved this bear! I still remember, we were visiting your mom at work and we saw the bear there and fell in love. So she got us each one. We sure loved those bears..
Id be lying if i said i was doing ok, im definitely not. Im still hurting, but thats just going to take time. Its hard to sleep at night (hence the blog posts at like 1am) im still angry with God for taking my best friend from me, but eventually things will get easier, until then, please just pray for me and my heart as well as Sams family.
Thank you.
-em
LOVE YOU SAM! ALWAYS AND FOREVER!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Are you ok?
Ok people, first of all just wanna say I love you all and im so thankful that you are concerned with how im doing. seriously thank you, but to let you know, when you ask me, "are you ok?" you are asking me a VERY stupid question.
Of course im not ok! my best friend just died. duh. So, know that when i say im doing alright or im fine, HELLO, i am totally lying to you so you will stop asking me if im ok or not. So, instead of asking me a stupid question, just give me a hug or pray for me. That is what i need right now, that is what i need to help get me through this time.
On a positive note, just wanna say how good God is. Even though life totally sucks and i miss Sam terribly, (and im still not ok with God taking away my best friend) God has started to put some pretty awesome people in my life who im pretty sure I would be a total mess right now if it was not for them.
Shout out to miss Kadee Rae, talking with you and having someone to relate to is sooooo helpful to me right now like you wouldnt believe.
Shout out to Kelly and Taylor, love you girls so much! were gonna get through this together!
Shout out to B-ran-DON! thanks for listening and talkin to me when i was a mess, when i couldnt sleep at 4am an for helpin me study.
Shout out to my brother Chris an his girl Cat, thanks for takin me out and just getting out of the house to goof off and have a good time.
Love you guys. Thank you everyone who has been praying for Sam's family. Thank you.
"Never Lose Heart" just a simple painting but means so much.
Thats all,
peace!
-em
Of course im not ok! my best friend just died. duh. So, know that when i say im doing alright or im fine, HELLO, i am totally lying to you so you will stop asking me if im ok or not. So, instead of asking me a stupid question, just give me a hug or pray for me. That is what i need right now, that is what i need to help get me through this time.
On a positive note, just wanna say how good God is. Even though life totally sucks and i miss Sam terribly, (and im still not ok with God taking away my best friend) God has started to put some pretty awesome people in my life who im pretty sure I would be a total mess right now if it was not for them.
Shout out to miss Kadee Rae, talking with you and having someone to relate to is sooooo helpful to me right now like you wouldnt believe.
Shout out to Kelly and Taylor, love you girls so much! were gonna get through this together!
Shout out to B-ran-DON! thanks for listening and talkin to me when i was a mess, when i couldnt sleep at 4am an for helpin me study.
Shout out to my brother Chris an his girl Cat, thanks for takin me out and just getting out of the house to goof off and have a good time.
Love you guys. Thank you everyone who has been praying for Sam's family. Thank you.
"Never Lose Heart" just a simple painting but means so much.Thats all,
peace!
-em
Friday, April 8, 2011
"Never Lose Heart"....
Samantha Rae Newton- my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime....I keep thinking this is all just a dream. That im going to wake up from this nightmare and see your smiling face again. Hear your contagious laugh. Go to lunch and talk about the "good ol' days" and every time i realize thats just not gonna happen, my heart breaks even more.
Sam, i miss you. this was not supposed to happen. We had just talked and you were getting better. this was not supposed to happen, not to you, not now. we were gonna beat this cancer. we were supposed to grow old together. buy houses next to each other and raise horses. we were supposed to grow up, make mistakes, live life together...
I know everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan, truly i do believe that but honestly, thats not what i feel in my heart, what ever reason God has, its not good enough for me. I know im being selfish, and I am glad you are no longer in pain, and chillin up in heaven but i miss you so much.
A few months ago, i remember coming back from visiting you in the hospital and just balling my eyes out. it had been the hardest hospital visit i have ever had. I had never seen you after one of your chemo treatments before. I was just so scared. I couldnt stand the thought of losing you...and now here i sit writing this post, balling my eyes out yet again, not knowing what to do. i cant move, cant breath, cant think without thinking of you. i close my eyes and try and sleep but all i see is your face. I miss you so much. I miss all the good times we had together. the awesome trips i got to take with you and your family. playing "veterinarian" at your house. all the crazy sleep overs. walking to and from school for like ever! then your grandpa walked with us one time and carried our bags for us, we loved that day!I know you are no longer in pain, i know you are in a better place, but i miss you. I want you back. you should be here with me. this was too soon, you were too young. its just not fair.
I love you Sam, always and forever. I cant wait till i get to see you again.
Love you,
em...
"Never Lose Heart"
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
My life be like Ooh ahh(:
'ello there!!!(:
Figured it was time to update this blog of mine! so here we go!!!!
So last weekend, my mom an I
drove to Silver City, New Mexico to visit my dad and then go on a campus visit to New Mexico State University which is in Las Cruces like 2ish hours from SC. Anywhooo!!! it was sooo much fun! thursday was just a driving day which was sooooooo boring and i resorted to taking pictures on my webcam lol then friday was when we went to NMSU. I was soooo nervous to go. Recently ive been struggling on whether or not NMSU was the school for me or if i was just going there because thats what my parents wanted or that it was convenient. Well, after my visit, i know FOR SURE that NMSU is where i need to be. The campus is fantastic! everyone was so nice and helpful. ALready made a few friends(: then i had a meeting with Dr. Timothy Ross who is like the head of the Agricultural Department at the school and he sat down and pretty much helped plan out my next semester of classes and made sure i was on the right track to getting a BS degree in animal science(: woot woot!! The classes im taking are,
-intro to animal science
-biology
-intro to equine sciences
-animal companionship
-equitation (horse back riding)
-kayaking!!!
Im so freakin excited(: the last two are just for me, my fun classes(: im so excited to actually start taking classes that pertain to my career. so done with all this basic crap! ANimal Cruelty Investigator here i come!!!!(: an i decided i need a longboard to get around campus(: everyone had them and it just looks soooooo fun! so im gonna get one(: lol after the visit drive back to SC and just watched a movie then crashed. we were all super exhausted!!! The next morning was coffee and breakfast at the lil coffee shop, Java The Hut(: dad introduced me to all the crazy and awesome folks of the town lol everyone was so nice there(: later we got to go shoppin in the cute lil stores down town!!! So much fun(: i didnt want to leave to come back here lol and it was hard havin to say goodbye to dad but he'll be home in two weeks!! and hopefully he'll get to stay a lil longer this time(:
now onto some other stuff like i dunno, AFRICA!!!(:
The team leaves for Africa june 2!!! Its coming up sooooo fast!!! Im super excited(: Theres more infor regarding the specifics of our trip in my two previous posts(: as i said before, im super excited for the trip but funding is being a pain in the butt!! We gotta have all our money in by April 28th sooooo If you feel led to support me financially, you can mail a check to my home address. (Email me at daddzgirl9262@aol.com and let me know if you want to do that) Make all checks payable to Sun Valley Community CHurch with my first and last name on the memo line, or you can visit www.sunvalleycc.com/onlinegiving and make an online donation using debit card, credit card or echeck. After creating an account and logging in, please select "South Africa 2011" from the "Fund" drop down menu and then my name from the "Sub Fund" menu and i will be notified of your gift. Know that all donations are tax deductible and documentation will be provided by the church at the end of this tax year.
Moreover, I ask that you pray for my team and i as we prepare to embark on this journey. We need prayer support while we are traveling, working and sharing the gospel. This community is in desperate need spiritually and it will take lots of prayer to soften some of their hearts to the message of Jesus. Pray that God prepares my heart as well as the hearts of my team members, for this mission and that we always have faith in His great power and mercy!
Thanks guys!!!(:
well thats all for today!!! Im sitting in my economics class typing this so i should probably pay attention now :p but before i go, some quotes of the day(:
in the car drivin to NM with my mom it was late and dark outside...
" I keep thinking im seeing shooting stars but its just bugs"-me
"Yes, those are bugs."-mom
"hmm lets see if i can catch one! (as i stuck my hand out the sun roof)"-me
"EMILIE! Seriously?! You wouldnt catch one, it will just go SPLAT against your hand. gross em."-mom
best thing ever...
"Whenever Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future."-not sure who said that but my friends quoted it on facebook and i love it so i figured id share(:
thats all for now!
Peace!
-em(:
Figured it was time to update this blog of mine! so here we go!!!!
So last weekend, my mom an I
drove to Silver City, New Mexico to visit my dad and then go on a campus visit to New Mexico State University which is in Las Cruces like 2ish hours from SC. Anywhooo!!! it was sooo much fun! thursday was just a driving day which was sooooooo boring and i resorted to taking pictures on my webcam lol then friday was when we went to NMSU. I was soooo nervous to go. Recently ive been struggling on whether or not NMSU was the school for me or if i was just going there because thats what my parents wanted or that it was convenient. Well, after my visit, i know FOR SURE that NMSU is where i need to be. The campus is fantastic! everyone was so nice and helpful. ALready made a few friends(: then i had a meeting with Dr. Timothy Ross who is like the head of the Agricultural Department at the school and he sat down and pretty much helped plan out my next semester of classes and made sure i was on the right track to getting a BS degree in animal science(: woot woot!! The classes im taking are,-intro to animal science
-biology
-intro to equine sciences
-animal companionship
-equitation (horse back riding)
-kayaking!!!
Im so freakin excited(: the last two are just for me, my fun classes(: im so excited to actually start taking classes that pertain to my career. so done with all this basic crap! ANimal Cruelty Investigator here i come!!!!(: an i decided i need a longboard to get around campus(: everyone had them and it just looks soooooo fun! so im gonna get one(: lol after the visit drive back to SC and just watched a movie then crashed. we were all super exhausted!!! The next morning was coffee and breakfast at the lil coffee shop, Java The Hut(: dad introduced me to all the crazy and awesome folks of the town lol everyone was so nice there(: later we got to go shoppin in the cute lil stores down town!!! So much fun(: i didnt want to leave to come back here lol and it was hard havin to say goodbye to dad but he'll be home in two weeks!! and hopefully he'll get to stay a lil longer this time(:
now onto some other stuff like i dunno, AFRICA!!!(:
The team leaves for Africa june 2!!! Its coming up sooooo fast!!! Im super excited(: Theres more infor regarding the specifics of our trip in my two previous posts(: as i said before, im super excited for the trip but funding is being a pain in the butt!! We gotta have all our money in by April 28th sooooo If you feel led to support me financially, you can mail a check to my home address. (Email me at daddzgirl9262@aol.com and let me know if you want to do that) Make all checks payable to Sun Valley Community CHurch with my first and last name on the memo line, or you can visit www.sunvalleycc.com/onlinegiving and make an online donation using debit card, credit card or echeck. After creating an account and logging in, please select "South Africa 2011" from the "Fund" drop down menu and then my name from the "Sub Fund" menu and i will be notified of your gift. Know that all donations are tax deductible and documentation will be provided by the church at the end of this tax year.
Moreover, I ask that you pray for my team and i as we prepare to embark on this journey. We need prayer support while we are traveling, working and sharing the gospel. This community is in desperate need spiritually and it will take lots of prayer to soften some of their hearts to the message of Jesus. Pray that God prepares my heart as well as the hearts of my team members, for this mission and that we always have faith in His great power and mercy!
Thanks guys!!!(:
well thats all for today!!! Im sitting in my economics class typing this so i should probably pay attention now :p but before i go, some quotes of the day(:
in the car drivin to NM with my mom it was late and dark outside...
" I keep thinking im seeing shooting stars but its just bugs"-me
"Yes, those are bugs."-mom
"hmm lets see if i can catch one! (as i stuck my hand out the sun roof)"-me
"EMILIE! Seriously?! You wouldnt catch one, it will just go SPLAT against your hand. gross em."-mom
best thing ever...
"Whenever Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future."-not sure who said that but my friends quoted it on facebook and i love it so i figured id share(:
thats all for now!
Peace!
-em(:
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