some days are good...some days are bad....some are a mix of both. Today was one of those.
Didnt sleep more than maybe 2 hours last night. just wasnt happening. Instead i filled that lonely time with skypeing a friend and a movie marathon. Good way to get the mind distracted!
Church was great today. Love working with 5th and 6th graders. They amaze me all the time. Then baptisms at church. God is good! Then, watched my big brother play up on stage. Miss seeing that. Got big hugs and love from him afterward. Just what i needed. Love my family.
The days are getting easier for me to get through. The nights, not so much. Some times i can actually get sleep but most of the time its only an hour or two. Just enough to get me through the day. I close my eyes and i see her laying there, in her casket. Her make up is done just the way she used to do it, shes wearing the heart necklace that she loved, shes rockin her Lady Gaga t-shirt she got from the concert. You can just see the peacefulness on her face. But then that turns into the reoccurring nightmare that shes no longer here with me. And the thought of sleep disappears and the heart ache comes back. I dont know if that image will ever go away. but i dont think i want it to. SHe looks so happy and peaceful...
I listen to the song your brother played at your funeral, every morning and night. (Angel of Mercy by Foghat) You loved music so much. From Brittany Spears to Pat Benatar to Foghat and Lady Gaga. Girl you loved it all. I remember when i came to visit you when you were living in Bagdad, we totally rocked out in the car to all your awesome music. Pretty much anything i listen to reminds me of you. I think thats why i love music so much..
Ugh, Sam i just wish you were here. I miss you so much. I remember in the last letter i wrote to you i was tellin you how proud i was for how strong you were. ANd how you werent giving up. You amazed me. "Never Lose Heart" Girl, you definitely lived that way! You never gave up, you were a fighter. I felt so stupid when i got stressed over my little problems while you were fighting for your life ever day. I strive to be more like you every day, your strength when times were hard and scary. Like i said, you amazed me. I dont know how you did it. But, im still so proud of you. Not once did you give up. I just love you so much Sam.
Just too soon. tooooooo soon. Apparently God thought it was your time, but i dunno. I guess He just had to have someone as amazing as you by His side, which duh! Who wouldnt? Thats understandable but still sucks.
Miss you babe, terribly!
love you to pieces!
-em
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