Well, ive been reading over my latest blog posts. I still dont get how i can go from a post that seems so hopeful and talks about having a great day to a post where im falling apart. It just doesnt make sense at all. Am i bipolar? or am i just crazy? My days can easily change with just the blink of an eye. They didnt used to be like that. I want to get back to the happy, positive, cheerful Emilie. where is she hiding? If you find her, please let me know.
Started working on my art project today. I cant wait until its finished. Its going to be legit. That was probably the highlight of my day today. The rest i spent writing a boring paper on democracy and capitalism....woooo...Dont get too crazy on your friday Emilie...
My brother Chris and like 30 other dirt bike riders started the Rip To The Tip ride yesterday morning starting in Tecate and ending in Cabo. Its an 8 day ride that covers 1500 miles. Well, with the start of day 2 this morning, one of the riders to a bad fall and ended up passing away. Please keep the riders as well as Jeff Kargola's family and friends in your prayers. We dont know if the riders are going to finish the ride or not, so just keep them in your prayers. Pray that if they decide to finish, that they are all safe and if they decided to come home, that they have a safe trip home. They were all like family and yeah, losing a loved one so sudden sucks.
http://www.riptothetip.com/frontpage/rest-in-peace-jeff-ox-kargola/
Their website has more info.
well thats all for now! time to try and get some sleep.
peaces!
-em
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
"The One Where Emilie Is Fine"
for those of you who didnt get the title, its a reference to the amazing show Friends. (the one where Ross is fine...)
but anyways, ive noticed a common occurrence throughout my day. I can be having a great day, and then i get back home, back to reality, back to my thoughts and that great day can just fall to pieces. I really wish that wouldnt happen, but sadly it does. No matter how hard I try. I dont even know why. Take today for instance, I was having a great day, woke up and took care of the horses, got some homework done, treated myself to some shopping and got some pretty sweet stuff for my next art project that is going to be amazing! Had dinner and just some good ol' fashioned hang out time with an awesome friend which i definitely needed. and then I went home. The TV distracted me for a bit and then it was time to try and sleep and BAM everything falls apart. I dont even know why. all of a sudden, i feel terrible, i feel depressed, on the verge of tears. I just dont get it. My good days never seem to finish strong anymore. They kind of just die off towards the end. Im getting tired of it. I really want to have good days, im trying, i just dont get it.
Yesterday I was sitting in a meeting at church. The topic of why bad things happen was being discussed. One thing that stuck with me that i heard was, that our pain isnt wasted. God uses it to turn it into something beautiful. I totally agree with that 110% but, i guess im still waiting on my "something beautiful". I know God took Sam for a reason, i know this just wasnt a mistake, i know my pain isnt being wasted but knowing that doesnt make it all better.
Losing someone is definitely one of the hardest things i have ever had to go through. Yes, this isnt the first time that i have lost a loved one but Sam is different. She was 18, too young, she was my sister, my best friend, my other half. Youre not supposed to die at 18, youre supposed to live life and grow old.
Ive found that its easy to go about my day pretending that im fine and everything is alright that way i dont have to face reality. well the truth is, im not fine nor will i ever be fine anytime soon. Im scared to face reality. Im scared to show people that im hurting. Im scared to admit that im not ok. But most of all, im scared that one day, in the future when things finally get easier, that ill be too busy and caught up in life that i will forget to remember Sam. That thought haunts me every day..
Kadee, an amazing woman that God has put in my life recently, told me about a song by Matthew West called All the Broken Pieces. There is a part in the song that goes like this, "Did you hear what i said? Did you read the words i wrote down in red? I was broken once for you, and no one loves you like I do. And thats the beauty of this grace, it can put the pieces back in place." I listen to that part over and over. It gives me hope.
Thats all for now.
-em
Monday, April 25, 2011
When i look to the sky, something tells me youre here with me..
Hello folks.
So yesterday was Easter Sunday. I had a wonderful day spent with my amazing family. Ate some delicious food, played volleyball, football, Minute To Win It games, relaxed, talked, laughed, just had a good time. That was definitely what i needed, just some good ol' fashioned family time.
Its been almost 3 weeks now since i lost my best friend Sam to cancer; the days are becoming much easier for me to get through. They keep me distracted from the thought that Sams not here anymore, that i wont be seeing her for a while, and ive noticed that something always happens during the day will remind me of her and bring a smile to my face. Whether its recalling a funny memory, hearing one of her favorite songs on the radio or visiting the horses at WHRR. Every day i think of you Sam. You will never be forgotten! As easy as the days are getting for me, the nights not so much. Im sleeping finally but it takes forever for my mind to quiet itself and let me sleep. every now and then ill have a bad night where sleep just isnt happening for me, but those are not as often anymore. The nightmares are slowly going away thanks to late night phone calls and Sams old teddy bear, Blackie.
No one ever tells you that life will be easy, and they definitely dont tell you that life will be this hard sometimes.
I texted Sam yesterday to tell her happy Easter. I dont know why i did it, just felt like i needed to. I knew i wouldnt get a response, but deep down there was a small piece of me that hoped for one.
I still cant get over the fact that youre gone Sam. I know its been almost 3 weeks, but it just shouldnt have happened. For those of you who didnt know Sam, she was freakin awesome. She was definitely the nicest person i knew. She had the sweetest and most caring heart ever. She loved everyone; family, friends, dogs, horses, animals! Even if she didnt know you that well, she loved you. Not one selfish bone in her body. Whenever we hung out, we always had a blast. She was one crazy chick! Then you put the two of us together and oh man! Her parents definitely had a handful to deal with when we were together!!(: All the sleepovers and crazy vacations, we had a blast. Im so thankful for all the time i was able to spend with you Sam. It was definitely cut way too short but we sure did live it up to the fullest! Cant wait to see your smiling face again.
peaces!
-em
So yesterday was Easter Sunday. I had a wonderful day spent with my amazing family. Ate some delicious food, played volleyball, football, Minute To Win It games, relaxed, talked, laughed, just had a good time. That was definitely what i needed, just some good ol' fashioned family time.
Its been almost 3 weeks now since i lost my best friend Sam to cancer; the days are becoming much easier for me to get through. They keep me distracted from the thought that Sams not here anymore, that i wont be seeing her for a while, and ive noticed that something always happens during the day will remind me of her and bring a smile to my face. Whether its recalling a funny memory, hearing one of her favorite songs on the radio or visiting the horses at WHRR. Every day i think of you Sam. You will never be forgotten! As easy as the days are getting for me, the nights not so much. Im sleeping finally but it takes forever for my mind to quiet itself and let me sleep. every now and then ill have a bad night where sleep just isnt happening for me, but those are not as often anymore. The nightmares are slowly going away thanks to late night phone calls and Sams old teddy bear, Blackie.
No one ever tells you that life will be easy, and they definitely dont tell you that life will be this hard sometimes.
I texted Sam yesterday to tell her happy Easter. I dont know why i did it, just felt like i needed to. I knew i wouldnt get a response, but deep down there was a small piece of me that hoped for one.
I still cant get over the fact that youre gone Sam. I know its been almost 3 weeks, but it just shouldnt have happened. For those of you who didnt know Sam, she was freakin awesome. She was definitely the nicest person i knew. She had the sweetest and most caring heart ever. She loved everyone; family, friends, dogs, horses, animals! Even if she didnt know you that well, she loved you. Not one selfish bone in her body. Whenever we hung out, we always had a blast. She was one crazy chick! Then you put the two of us together and oh man! Her parents definitely had a handful to deal with when we were together!!(: All the sleepovers and crazy vacations, we had a blast. Im so thankful for all the time i was able to spend with you Sam. It was definitely cut way too short but we sure did live it up to the fullest! Cant wait to see your smiling face again.
Love you girl with all of my heart forever and ever!
peaces!
-em
Friday, April 22, 2011
to find the good amongst the crap...
today was good, but yet so hard for me!
Its been 2 weeks now since i lost my best friend. Its still hard for me to accept the fact that shes no longer here...that i cant just pick up the phone and give her a call. I try and keep my mind off those thoughts as much as possible and to focus on the good memories we had together. but some times, being strong and holding back them tears just doesnt always work. little things just seem to set off the water works again.
While cleanin my room today, i started reading what people signed on my graduation poster. Sam signed right in the middle, balled like a baby after reading that. found the poem you wrote me for the book katelyn made for my birthday, it was right before you moved to Bagdad, AZ.
"Even though we will be far away,
you will never be gone from my heart,
because our friendship will never be torn apart.
Friendships last forever,
They're built through a lifetime of experiences,
and ours go way back.
So let the miles keep us near and intact,
Your friend,
Samantha"
balled like a baby after reading that too, just like i am now....
ugh. finding things like this throughout my day makes it so hard. I dont want to forget you, thats definitely not it, i just want this pain to go away. but that just wont happen, i see you everywhere. In the horses that i get to take care of, you're in the music i listen to, i see you when i drive past your house every day remembering the games we used to play in the front yard, i see you in my dreams. youre everywhere. Like you said in the poem, "you will never be gone from my heart"....
I just want you back. You should be here. I should be going to visit you this summer. I should be helping you guys with getting your horse. We should be sending our letters back and forth. You were supposed to get better. We were going to beat this cancer remember? We made a promise. I just dont get it. What possible reason could God have for taking you away? Doesnt He know that I need you?
life just sucks sometimes. Im trying to look for the good amongst all this crap. i just cant find it...Sam you were good at finding the upside to things. I loved that about you...it was just too soon babe, too soon.
love you to pieces girl. miss you like crazy. Cant wait to see you again..
-em
Its been 2 weeks now since i lost my best friend. Its still hard for me to accept the fact that shes no longer here...that i cant just pick up the phone and give her a call. I try and keep my mind off those thoughts as much as possible and to focus on the good memories we had together. but some times, being strong and holding back them tears just doesnt always work. little things just seem to set off the water works again.
While cleanin my room today, i started reading what people signed on my graduation poster. Sam signed right in the middle, balled like a baby after reading that. found the poem you wrote me for the book katelyn made for my birthday, it was right before you moved to Bagdad, AZ.
"Even though we will be far away,
you will never be gone from my heart,
because our friendship will never be torn apart.
Friendships last forever,
They're built through a lifetime of experiences,
and ours go way back.
So let the miles keep us near and intact,
Your friend,
Samantha"
balled like a baby after reading that too, just like i am now....
ugh. finding things like this throughout my day makes it so hard. I dont want to forget you, thats definitely not it, i just want this pain to go away. but that just wont happen, i see you everywhere. In the horses that i get to take care of, you're in the music i listen to, i see you when i drive past your house every day remembering the games we used to play in the front yard, i see you in my dreams. youre everywhere. Like you said in the poem, "you will never be gone from my heart"....
I just want you back. You should be here. I should be going to visit you this summer. I should be helping you guys with getting your horse. We should be sending our letters back and forth. You were supposed to get better. We were going to beat this cancer remember? We made a promise. I just dont get it. What possible reason could God have for taking you away? Doesnt He know that I need you?
life just sucks sometimes. Im trying to look for the good amongst all this crap. i just cant find it...Sam you were good at finding the upside to things. I loved that about you...it was just too soon babe, too soon.
love you to pieces girl. miss you like crazy. Cant wait to see you again..
-em
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
the smell of horse poop in the morning...
Got to start my day off right today! took the 5am horse feed shift at Wild Horse Rescue Ranch. spent like 2 hours out there, even though we were done at like 6ish. 14 horses fed, watered, fly-masked and rotated in record time.
While out with the horses, i couldnt help but smile. Smile because i was doing something that i loved, smile because its so easy for me to get up before the sun to be with horses yet i cant get my lazy butt up for school, smile because i know Sam is right there with me enjoying the horses company, smile because thats just one of the many things me and Sam shared (a love for horses). That was the ranch that i had one of my birthdays at, Sam had her heart set on adopting a cute lil buckskin mare named Pistol. good start to my day for sure. No heart ache, just happy memories and horses.....
So yesterday while talking to a friend, i was asked why anyone would want to lead a life pleasing to God. To be honest, i dont think i have ever been asked that question before or have actually taken time to think about it. The question stumped me. All i could say was that, that was how i was raised my whole life and that God sent his only son to die on the cross for my sins so that I could be in heaven and that the least i could do was live a life pleasing to Him for the grace he has shown me. Typical churchy answer. I felt terrible for not being about to come up with anything else. Ive been a Christian my whole life, gone on mission trips, given my testimony, been baptized and yet one question totally caught me off guard. It made me realize that maybe im not as close with God as i thought i was. Have i just been putting on a front for everyone else? I want to think i havent but maybe i have? well, its time to change that and break away from all that lukewarm crap. I dont just want to go through the motions, i dont want to just run to God when i need Him or when its good for me. SO by admitting this, im taking my first step in breaking them stupid chains that are keeping me from the relationship that i deserve, scratch that, the relationship that i WANT to have with God...
Thats all i feel like talking about for today. Not much else to say. Lifes crazy, totally sucks sometimes but hey, no one ever said it would be easy.
"You gotta take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, things go wrong, just remember life goes on!" I dont know who said this but i like it. Figured i would share it!
well time to do some more homework!
Peaces!
-em
Love you Samantha Rae! With all my heart! I know youre having a blast right now chillin with Jesus! and with that thought, i smile(: love you woman!
While out with the horses, i couldnt help but smile. Smile because i was doing something that i loved, smile because its so easy for me to get up before the sun to be with horses yet i cant get my lazy butt up for school, smile because i know Sam is right there with me enjoying the horses company, smile because thats just one of the many things me and Sam shared (a love for horses). That was the ranch that i had one of my birthdays at, Sam had her heart set on adopting a cute lil buckskin mare named Pistol. good start to my day for sure. No heart ache, just happy memories and horses.....
So yesterday while talking to a friend, i was asked why anyone would want to lead a life pleasing to God. To be honest, i dont think i have ever been asked that question before or have actually taken time to think about it. The question stumped me. All i could say was that, that was how i was raised my whole life and that God sent his only son to die on the cross for my sins so that I could be in heaven and that the least i could do was live a life pleasing to Him for the grace he has shown me. Typical churchy answer. I felt terrible for not being about to come up with anything else. Ive been a Christian my whole life, gone on mission trips, given my testimony, been baptized and yet one question totally caught me off guard. It made me realize that maybe im not as close with God as i thought i was. Have i just been putting on a front for everyone else? I want to think i havent but maybe i have? well, its time to change that and break away from all that lukewarm crap. I dont just want to go through the motions, i dont want to just run to God when i need Him or when its good for me. SO by admitting this, im taking my first step in breaking them stupid chains that are keeping me from the relationship that i deserve, scratch that, the relationship that i WANT to have with God...
Thats all i feel like talking about for today. Not much else to say. Lifes crazy, totally sucks sometimes but hey, no one ever said it would be easy.
"You gotta take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, things go wrong, just remember life goes on!" I dont know who said this but i like it. Figured i would share it!
well time to do some more homework!
Peaces!
-em
Love you Samantha Rae! With all my heart! I know youre having a blast right now chillin with Jesus! and with that thought, i smile(: love you woman!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
im trying...its just not working...
today i decided i was going to have a good day. after a good talk with one of my amazing friends last night and a good night of sleep, i figured, "hey, i deserve a good day and today is that day!"
Well, that just didnt happen. no matter how hard i tried. today sucks. I just want to be at work now. I dont want to be here.
I get into my philosophy class this morning and my Professor tells me that today might be hard for me with everything thats happened...well he wasnt kidding. We were discussing death and yeah...so so hard to fight back the tears...then got into my economics class and asked about the grade I got on the test that i had to make up due to the fact that i was not in class because Sam died. well, i studied my butt of for that test. did all the extra credit i could. re-read all the chapters, Brandon even helped me study late into the night and after all that, still got a freaking 58%. awesome. now i have a D in the class because we never do homework its just all test grades. How am i supposed to get my grade up with the next test and then pass the final and get at least a low C in the class? If i dont get a C, i can lose my scholarship and will have to pay it back...lovely. just what i need.
It feels like bad things just keep happening. will this ever stop? I just want to have one good day. Is that so hard to ask for? I know im just whining and complaining but this is getting a lil ridiculous. Just makes me wanna scream.
I feel so stupid for getting upset over this, i mean this is nothing compared to what other people have to go through. but, it just sucks. Wish i could just rewind a few months, go back to when things were good, when Sam was still here and i could spend time with her. sadly i cant.
peaces!
-em
Well, that just didnt happen. no matter how hard i tried. today sucks. I just want to be at work now. I dont want to be here.
I get into my philosophy class this morning and my Professor tells me that today might be hard for me with everything thats happened...well he wasnt kidding. We were discussing death and yeah...so so hard to fight back the tears...then got into my economics class and asked about the grade I got on the test that i had to make up due to the fact that i was not in class because Sam died. well, i studied my butt of for that test. did all the extra credit i could. re-read all the chapters, Brandon even helped me study late into the night and after all that, still got a freaking 58%. awesome. now i have a D in the class because we never do homework its just all test grades. How am i supposed to get my grade up with the next test and then pass the final and get at least a low C in the class? If i dont get a C, i can lose my scholarship and will have to pay it back...lovely. just what i need.
It feels like bad things just keep happening. will this ever stop? I just want to have one good day. Is that so hard to ask for? I know im just whining and complaining but this is getting a lil ridiculous. Just makes me wanna scream.
I feel so stupid for getting upset over this, i mean this is nothing compared to what other people have to go through. but, it just sucks. Wish i could just rewind a few months, go back to when things were good, when Sam was still here and i could spend time with her. sadly i cant.
peaces!
-em
Sunday, April 17, 2011
if heaven wasnt so far away....
some days are good...some days are bad....some are a mix of both. Today was one of those.
Didnt sleep more than maybe 2 hours last night. just wasnt happening. Instead i filled that lonely time with skypeing a friend and a movie marathon. Good way to get the mind distracted!
Church was great today. Love working with 5th and 6th graders. They amaze me all the time. Then baptisms at church. God is good! Then, watched my big brother play up on stage. Miss seeing that. Got big hugs and love from him afterward. Just what i needed. Love my family.
The days are getting easier for me to get through. The nights, not so much. Some times i can actually get sleep but most of the time its only an hour or two. Just enough to get me through the day. I close my eyes and i see her laying there, in her casket. Her make up is done just the way she used to do it, shes wearing the heart necklace that she loved, shes rockin her Lady Gaga t-shirt she got from the concert. You can just see the peacefulness on her face. But then that turns into the reoccurring nightmare that shes no longer here with me. And the thought of sleep disappears and the heart ache comes back. I dont know if that image will ever go away. but i dont think i want it to. SHe looks so happy and peaceful...
I listen to the song your brother played at your funeral, every morning and night. (Angel of Mercy by Foghat) You loved music so much. From Brittany Spears to Pat Benatar to Foghat and Lady Gaga. Girl you loved it all. I remember when i came to visit you when you were living in Bagdad, we totally rocked out in the car to all your awesome music. Pretty much anything i listen to reminds me of you. I think thats why i love music so much..
Ugh, Sam i just wish you were here. I miss you so much. I remember in the last letter i wrote to you i was tellin you how proud i was for how strong you were. ANd how you werent giving up. You amazed me. "Never Lose Heart" Girl, you definitely lived that way! You never gave up, you were a fighter. I felt so stupid when i got stressed over my little problems while you were fighting for your life ever day. I strive to be more like you every day, your strength when times were hard and scary. Like i said, you amazed me. I dont know how you did it. But, im still so proud of you. Not once did you give up. I just love you so much Sam.
Just too soon. tooooooo soon. Apparently God thought it was your time, but i dunno. I guess He just had to have someone as amazing as you by His side, which duh! Who wouldnt? Thats understandable but still sucks.
Miss you babe, terribly!
love you to pieces!
-em
Didnt sleep more than maybe 2 hours last night. just wasnt happening. Instead i filled that lonely time with skypeing a friend and a movie marathon. Good way to get the mind distracted!
Church was great today. Love working with 5th and 6th graders. They amaze me all the time. Then baptisms at church. God is good! Then, watched my big brother play up on stage. Miss seeing that. Got big hugs and love from him afterward. Just what i needed. Love my family.
The days are getting easier for me to get through. The nights, not so much. Some times i can actually get sleep but most of the time its only an hour or two. Just enough to get me through the day. I close my eyes and i see her laying there, in her casket. Her make up is done just the way she used to do it, shes wearing the heart necklace that she loved, shes rockin her Lady Gaga t-shirt she got from the concert. You can just see the peacefulness on her face. But then that turns into the reoccurring nightmare that shes no longer here with me. And the thought of sleep disappears and the heart ache comes back. I dont know if that image will ever go away. but i dont think i want it to. SHe looks so happy and peaceful...
I listen to the song your brother played at your funeral, every morning and night. (Angel of Mercy by Foghat) You loved music so much. From Brittany Spears to Pat Benatar to Foghat and Lady Gaga. Girl you loved it all. I remember when i came to visit you when you were living in Bagdad, we totally rocked out in the car to all your awesome music. Pretty much anything i listen to reminds me of you. I think thats why i love music so much..
Ugh, Sam i just wish you were here. I miss you so much. I remember in the last letter i wrote to you i was tellin you how proud i was for how strong you were. ANd how you werent giving up. You amazed me. "Never Lose Heart" Girl, you definitely lived that way! You never gave up, you were a fighter. I felt so stupid when i got stressed over my little problems while you were fighting for your life ever day. I strive to be more like you every day, your strength when times were hard and scary. Like i said, you amazed me. I dont know how you did it. But, im still so proud of you. Not once did you give up. I just love you so much Sam.
Just too soon. tooooooo soon. Apparently God thought it was your time, but i dunno. I guess He just had to have someone as amazing as you by His side, which duh! Who wouldnt? Thats understandable but still sucks.
Miss you babe, terribly!
love you to pieces!
-em
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