to find the good amongst the crap...

today was good, but yet so hard for me!

Its been 2 weeks now since i lost my best friend. Its still hard for me to accept the fact that shes no longer here...that i cant just pick up the phone and give her a call. I try and keep my mind off those thoughts as much as possible and to focus on the good memories we had together. but some times, being strong and holding back them tears just doesnt always work. little things just seem to set off the water works again.

While cleanin my room today, i started reading what people signed on my graduation poster. Sam signed right in the middle, balled like a baby after reading that. found the poem you wrote me for the book katelyn made for my birthday, it was right before you moved to Bagdad, AZ.

"Even though we will be far away,
you will never be gone from my heart,
because our friendship will never be torn apart.
Friendships last forever,
They're built through a lifetime of experiences,
and ours go way back.
So let the miles keep us near and intact,
Your friend,
Samantha"

balled like a baby after reading that too, just like i am now....

ugh. finding things like this throughout my day makes it so hard. I dont want to forget you, thats definitely not it, i just want this pain to go away. but that just wont happen, i see you everywhere. In the horses that i get to take care of, you're in the music i listen to, i see you when i drive past your house every day remembering the games we used to play in the front yard, i see you in my dreams. youre everywhere. Like you said in the poem, "you will never be gone from my heart"....

I just want you back. You should be here. I should be going to visit you this summer. I should be helping you guys with getting your horse. We should be sending our letters back and forth. You were supposed to get better. We were going to beat this cancer remember? We made a promise. I just dont get it. What possible reason could God have for taking you away? Doesnt He know that I need you?

life just sucks sometimes. Im trying to look for the good amongst all this crap. i just cant find it...Sam you were good at finding the upside to things. I loved that about you...it was just too soon babe, too soon.

love you to pieces girl. miss you like crazy. Cant wait to see you again..
-em