"The One Where Emilie Is Fine"

for those of you who didnt get the title, its a reference to the amazing show Friends. (the one where Ross is fine...)


but anyways, ive noticed a common occurrence throughout my day. I can be having a great day, and then i get back home, back to reality, back to my thoughts and that great day can just fall to pieces. I really wish that wouldnt happen, but sadly it does. No matter how hard I try. I dont even know why. Take today for instance, I was having a great day, woke up and took care of the horses, got some homework done, treated myself to some shopping and got some pretty sweet stuff for my next art project that is going to be amazing! Had dinner and just some good ol' fashioned hang out time with an awesome friend which i definitely needed. and then I went home. The TV distracted me for a bit and then it was time to try and sleep and BAM everything falls apart. I dont even know why. all of a sudden, i feel terrible, i feel depressed, on the verge of tears. I just dont get it. My good days never seem to finish strong anymore. They kind of just die off towards the end. Im getting tired of it. I really want to have good days, im trying, i just dont get it.

Yesterday I was sitting in a meeting at church. The topic of why bad things happen was being discussed. One thing that stuck with me that i heard was, that our pain isnt wasted. God uses it to turn it into something beautiful. I totally agree with that 110% but, i guess im still waiting on my "something beautiful". I know God took Sam for a reason, i know this just wasnt a mistake, i know my pain isnt being wasted but knowing that doesnt make it all better.

Losing someone is definitely one of the hardest things i have ever had to go through. Yes, this isnt the first time that i have lost a loved one but Sam is different. She was 18, too young, she was my sister, my best friend, my other half. Youre not supposed to die at 18, youre supposed to live life and grow old.

Ive found that its easy to go about my day pretending that im fine and everything is alright that way i dont have to face reality. well the truth is, im not fine nor will i ever be fine anytime soon. Im scared to face reality. Im scared to show people that im hurting. Im scared to admit that im not ok. But most of all, im scared that one day, in the future when things finally get easier, that ill be too busy and caught up in life that i will forget to remember Sam. That thought haunts me every day..

Kadee, an amazing woman that God has put in my life recently, told me about a song by Matthew West called All the Broken Pieces. There is a part in the song that goes like this, "Did you hear what i said? Did you read the words i wrote down in red? I was broken once for you, and no one loves you like I do. And thats the beauty of this grace, it can put the pieces back in place." I listen to that part over and over. It gives me hope.

Thats all for now.
-em