Samantha Rae Newton- my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime....I keep thinking this is all just a dream. That im going to wake up from this nightmare and see your smiling face again. Hear your contagious laugh. Go to lunch and talk about the "good ol' days" and every time i realize thats just not gonna happen, my heart breaks even more.
Sam, i miss you. this was not supposed to happen. We had just talked and you were getting better. this was not supposed to happen, not to you, not now. we were gonna beat this cancer. we were supposed to grow old together. buy houses next to each other and raise horses. we were supposed to grow up, make mistakes, live life together...
I know everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan, truly i do believe that but honestly, thats not what i feel in my heart, what ever reason God has, its not good enough for me. I know im being selfish, and I am glad you are no longer in pain, and chillin up in heaven but i miss you so much.
A few months ago, i remember coming back from visiting you in the hospital and just balling my eyes out. it had been the hardest hospital visit i have ever had. I had never seen you after one of your chemo treatments before. I was just so scared. I couldnt stand the thought of losing you...and now here i sit writing this post, balling my eyes out yet again, not knowing what to do. i cant move, cant breath, cant think without thinking of you. i close my eyes and try and sleep but all i see is your face. I miss you so much. I miss all the good times we had together. the awesome trips i got to take with you and your family. playing "veterinarian" at your house. all the crazy sleep overs. walking to and from school for like ever! then your grandpa walked with us one time and carried our bags for us, we loved that day!I know you are no longer in pain, i know you are in a better place, but i miss you. I want you back. you should be here with me. this was too soon, you were too young. its just not fair.
I love you Sam, always and forever. I cant wait till i get to see you again.
Love you,
em...
"Never Lose Heart"
love u em! you can get through this. you are amazng! its been a busy couple of days.. im sorry i havent come by and see u ! u r busy too.. and i know if u saw me or i saw u we both would be crying.. and u dont need to cry anymore! u know im with u always! and so is sam! i love u:)
ReplyDeleteEmilie, I love you so much. What a beautiful and honest tribute to your precious friend. I'm so glad that when you write, you aren't holding anything back. Just so you know, it's Ok to be insanely upset and confused at God's plan. I'm so sorry about the aches of your heart. Know that I'm always here if you need someone to listen!!!
ReplyDeleteEmilie, I am sorry about you loss. I will be praying for you and her family as you grieve. I think that your writing fully encapsulates how you feel, you rejoice because she is no longer in pain, but your heart breaks because your life has a hole where she once was. I have lost someone to cancer before but I can not imagine losing someone so young. Rest in the fact that even when we don't understand God's plan that it does not change the fact that it is perfect. He will carry you through this storm, and will build you and her family up despite this. Again I am sorry about your loss, and will be praying for you in this heartache.
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